Tara Maclay

Playing around

2004-06-16T23:34:42Z

No one has seen Xander for a few days now, I’ve tried calling his apartment a few times and finally I felt confident on the last attempt to leave a message on his answer phone, right after the whole theme tune for the Green Hornet, But as yet there has been no return call. So I thought I would stop by after class and see how he was doing.

I tentatively knocked on his door and waited….

No answer.

I knocked again, but still no answer. I took out a piece of paper and wrote out a message for Xander

Xander,

I just stopped by to see how you were doing or if there was anything you needed.
I’m sorry I didn’t catch you in this time. We were all a little concerned that we haven’t heard from you,
so I was just checking in to see how you were.

I’m always just at the end of a phone call

Tara x

I slipped the note under his door and left, back to the Summers house for my stint in the Dawn occupation. I made my way through the back door to Faith sitting at the breakfast bar and Dawn deeply rooted in the refrigerator.

“cheese?”

“Yergh! no cheese, had my fill of dairy crap this millennium.” Faith said with a snort.

“Okay, well we’ve been through everything in here and we’re back to my original suggestion of banana and peanut butter.” Dawn said, carefully extracting herself from the fridge.

“Damn it munchkin, that’s just evil. I’d feel like I should be wearing one of those lame ass party hats and pinning the tail on Xander.”

Dawn tried her most disapproving look, I had to smile - I’m pretty sure I taught her that one.

Faith raised her arms. “Whoah there! Just not into going back to kindergarten with my choice of lunch…no offense..”

“Most of none taken.” Dawn said.

Faith shifted a little on her stool. “I just need something to get my teeth into you know?”

“Well I could rescue the turkey from the trash, it’s only a few days over...”

“Noooo squirt, four second rule has definitely been and passed. Cast iron stomach or not.”
Faith turned her head to me as I stepped from the doorway into the kitchen. “Hey T, how was looking at the butt nekkid ladies today?”

I smiled before I set my bag down on the table. “Art history isn’t just about nude ladies Faith,…”

She wigged her eyebrows and unleashed one of her more sultry grins.

“It’s about everyone being naked.” I finished.

“Those artists were serious pervs man!

“Yeah, but it makes the lesson more interesting.” I said before I moved over and took a seat next to her. “I wasn’t expecting you here, I thought you’d be training with Wesley.”

She shrugged . “Just here to snack before patrol - food always tastes better out of someone else’s refrigerator.”

“Faith’s already bolted down the rest of yesterdays casserole, all the potato chips she could find and now she wants me to make her something.” Dawn stated before turned back towards the fridge and made a subtle piggy noise and extremely quiet imitation piggy snort.

“Hey, You’re not cute enough to get out of me dangling you out of your bedroom window by your shoe straps…”

Dawn visibly stiffened.

“Slayer hearing half pint and don’t you forget it.” Faith smirked. “Besides, I got wicked metabolism.” she continued, patting her stomach.

Have to admit, she’s certainly in shape.

Willow breezed in from the living room, her head firmly implanted in book. She looked up as she entered the kitchen and smiled as she looked my way.

“Hey you, good day?”

I smiled back. “Great day, just tons of reading to do.”

“Cool, then we can be study buddies…” She gracefully stepped over and kissed me on the cheek.

“So how was your day?”

She shrugged. “It was okay, did some long division in my head for fun, drew up a few new ideas to help with patrol, lost to Dawnie at Chess…” She winked at me. “I think she cheated when my back was turned, something about my notebook catching fire…”

“Or maybe your coaching is finally paying off?” Dawn interrupted with a nervous shrug.

“Ooh…and I got a letter….They‘re having a reunion at the High School, wanna be my date?” Willow finished.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I looked at the book in her hand and raised a brow. ‘The Malleus Maleficarum.’ A little light reading huh?”

She looked down at it and gave a pained expression. “I know - more witch hunting history, But I can’t not know the details of what happened, just because I might not want to know…you know?…I say knowing is understanding and healing, that makes me ‘in the know’…and that was too many knows, right?”

“No.” I said with a smile

She headed off back to the living room, a sad sigh as she flipped the pages.
I’m trying this whole new getting to know people better approach to my friends since Buffy took her little trip to the insaneo side of her character. My next stop would be Faith and what better way to get to know her better than taking an interest in her ‘interests.’

“Um…Faith you still go out running in the mornings right?”

“Sure thing T, when Wesley calls round at some insane hour - telling me that I should fill my lungs with fresh air and smells of the morning…did you even know there was more than one five o’clock in the day?” She shrugged. “So what’s the sitch?”

“Well do you think I could join you guys a few mornings?” I said quietly.

Faith smiled. “You building up your fitness? Having trouble keeping up with Red?” Her smile turning into a smirk.

Before I could even feign a response a voice drifted in from the living room. “They don’t call me gifted for nothing.”

Wow it’s hot in here…isn’t it hot in here?

“I I figured it would help a little with the chasing…of vamps, demons, the bus even? Digging Tara, you’re really digging.

“Well miss shy retiring, I’ll need to check with Wes, training…more his thing ya know, But maybe I’ll show ya a few things, with a bit of work we could get you strong enough to kill an Ox with just your bare hands.” She said grinning proudly.

“Opening lids off jars first time is pretty much a good start for me.” I nodded enthusiastically. “A..and maybe enough pace to keep me half a block ahead of an erupting Hellmouth?”

Faith stood and flexed every muscle she had before responding…maybe a demonstration, you know - you too can look like in six weeks thanks to the gut wrencher…an intensive stay alive work out.

“You know it wont be easy, if you come along -I don’t hold back…I’ll give it to you hard.” She growled.

That helpful voice returned from the living room. “You’d be surprised how hard she can give it back…I have bruises…I can show you if you…”

“Will, honey!…Please stop helping me!” I interrupted with a squeak, whilst watching the glee erupting on the face of Queen double entendre as the scene was unfolding. Suddenly the floor became far too interesting…maybe I should mop it, clean every square inch with a toothbrush? “I suppose even if I mention the simple explanation of self defense classes here…you’re not going to relent?”

“Blondie! Hell…should have known…demon in the sack huh?” Her Royal highness turned to Dawn. “You should avert your ears Brat, I’m getting a good feeling this can only get more interesting.” She sauntered towards the kitchen door, hanging her head round the door frame and direction the rest of the conversation towards the living room. “So, I’m guessin’ a pretty little plain Jane like you Tara has just got to have a serious stash of naughty underwear hidden well away.”

Dawn’s jaw dropped, as did half the peanut butter sandwich she had in her hand.

“That whole gifted thing includes knowing when to be quiet, or me spending a night on the couch Faith.” Willow shouted.

I smiled and Faith grinned.

Another Apocalypse averted.

making up

2004-05-01T00:18:33Z

In a way, I feel Xander’s pain.

It’s not physical - well apart from trying to use my arm in any capacity, I’m pretty much one handed girl at the moment so doing anything useful is pretty much out of the question…including dressing myself, kinda embarrassing , getting caught up in the strap like sling - unless Willow gives me a hand of her own…though that borders back into the physical again and I’m losing my trail of thought.

Broken bones will heal…being hurt emotionally by a friend takes a lot longer, sometimes it never heals at all. So when Xander left this afternoon, part of me wasn’t surprised - in fact a little part of me - the awkward, self doubting side of me that used to be was screaming to run away with him. I can’t lie, even though I know Buffy really didn’t mean to be so crude and cutting - in between breaking my arm - I still felt the sting, of her not being close to me at all. After all, she said she didn’t see me as any more than Willow’s girlfriend, though I’m sure I put it a little more eloquently than she did.

But then I did some thinking…and maybe that’s my problem - it’s about time I did something rather than just thinking about it.

Despite the cruel jokes at my expense, Buffy wasn’t lying - it wasn’t as if we spent a lot of time really getting to know each other and it’s not all her fault for seeing me as part of Willow, I never really found the time to get to know her much more than Willow’s friend.

I can’t take back the pain from the things she said to me - but I can change the truth behind them. So I set about making them right.

I was sitting at the breakfast bar at Buffy’s when she came through the door.

“Tara, hey.” She said a little hesitantly, almost sheepishly at the door.

I tried to give her my most reassuring smile. “Hey Buffy, You find Faith?”

“In the spiritual sense no,” she said with a sad smile. “But in every other sense, I caught up with her at the Espresso Pump…”

“And?”

“We did the talking thing, it’s a lot more productive than I remember it being.”

I smiled again. “Who knew talking could be the best communicating tool?”

She sat down next to me and her own smile faded. “Has Xander come back yet?”

I looked down at the table. “No, n-not yet….Willow wants to go look for him, but I thought maybe it’s best he has a little time to himself.”

“Tara I’m so sorry, I made such a mess of things…I really didn’t mean the things I….”

“No, you did…but it’s okay…….you know…you weren’t entirely wrong.”

She stared at me a little, clearly confused.

“I prefer ‘La Isla Bonita’...” I stated.

Her expression became blank.

“But I have to agree, ‘Like a Virgin’….hilarious.”

The realization flashed across her face of our not too comfortable ‘hostile bonding’ crept back into her mind and she subconsciously ran her fingers across the bruise on her forehead, Buffy smiled a little, before becoming a little uncomfortable. “I’m sorry about your arm…a-and the back hand.”

I shrugged it off. “Ditto with the lead pipe.”

“I never knew you liked Madonna.” She said

I grinned “It was her or Barbara Streisand, and I’m just not ready for that level of commitment right now.”

Buffy rolled her eyes in an attempt to disguise the snort of laughter. I turned to her. “We don’t really know a lot about each other, …well, apart from the whole saving the world every week…I just figured….we could….”

“Save the world?” She asked with a tilt of the head.

I smiled. “Get to know each other better. Hang out a little more.”

Buffy shifted before she nodded her head firmly. “You know, I’d like that. Tomorrow at the Mall?”

I nodded. “Though I know I don’t need to be a fortune teller to see we will not be shopping for clothes at the same stores.” Finishing with a grin.

She took a moment to look at me before smiling. “Hell no! those boots were never going with that skirt! And yet I feel the compelling urge to borrow them!” He face darkened a little. “Now I just have to make peace with the rest of the world….”

“Xander’s a good guy, I guess he wants a little space right now.”

“A whole ‘nother state wouldn’t be too big a surprise.” She said, ending with a dramatic sigh.

I gave her a sympathetic smile and took a sip of my long cold coffee.

Time out

2004-04-03T00:19:20Z

I’m relieved, things worked out the best way they could. Buffy has been brought back to us - she’s in hospital, but the doctors have said she’s making an incredibly swift recovery, I’m sure it’s going to be a whole lot quicker than they could imagine, Slayer healing something I wish I had.

It was Faith who pointed us back in a direction that some of us had let slowly fade away, she didn’t turn her back on hope and neither should we have. I don’t regret the decisions I made, I had to be prepared to protect those closest to me - I have an arm in plaster and a swollen face as a reminder of that. I’m not super strong, fast, heroic or great with the whole violence ‘thing’. I just do what I can.

I’m not sure how Faith is coping, I hope she’s okay - she and Wesley headed out after every thing calmed down. It must have been a whole lot to have to take in - I mean having to face off with Buffy like that, doing what she did to stop her - but she’s shown more than once in her colorful life that she’s a fighter and a survivor. I feel I owe her thanks for having a little more courage than me. Still, at least one good thing has come out of all of this. Faith and Wesley have grown a little closer, they worked together so well the past few days, complimenting each other so well - both in supportive roles and with a fresh difference in views. Wesley is a good man, like Mr Giles and they both go to great lengths to work above and beyond their duties as Watchers.

Willow is still recuperating from the magic we used to find Buffy’s true essence, she changed a few things from some of the spells we’ve practiced in the past and rituals we read up on before hand. She ‘Invoked the Spirit’ to find the true Slayer nature in Buffy to help her fight off the evil from Angelus. But it wasn’t easy, it was pretty intense - I’m not sure scary isn’t a word that is too far off to be in control of the powerful magic needed. Willow showed incredible strength at the time but now it seems to have hit her hard and she’s exhausted.

I guess it’s time for us all to step down and wait for Buffy to return home.

Hell

2004-03-06T00:45:36Z

Things are going pretty well so far, don’t you think?

On the edge of an all out verbal war and one of the only people in the world who could have a decent chance of stopping this situation without bloodshed are very much out of the zone…out of the front door even.

We’re all victims here, all suffering, all hurt and beginning to accept the fact that loss could very much be on the cards.

Xander stood, eyes to the door - ready to go after Willow.

“Well, it’s absolutely certain this isn’t going to get us to our goal…the more time we spend here, evaluating avenues that we can’t possibly explore the more chance Buffy will be off making her unique mark on the world.” Mr Giles shifted his position, looking more than a little agitated. He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Xander snorted. “Oh I gotta say I’m really enjoying the seminar of positive thinking we’re having here too. Pip pip, break out the tea Wesley…”

“That’s enough! Attacking each other isn’t helping at all…We‘re not a pack of damn animals!” Mr Giles boomed. “We’re out of time and we have to take action now.”

There was silence for a few, long moments.

Anya and Cordelia looked at each other and then back to the rest of the room.

Better her than us right?

The door swung open and Spike charged in, huddled under a blanket with all the grace of a ballet dancing rhino. He shouted back out the door. “Big help with the door there Red, cheers a bloody bunch!”

He turned to us all. “What? Been burnt like a Sunday roast once this week already, frankly, it didn’t suit my skin tones. I‘m more of a Winter collection.” He skulked into a corner patting himself down whilst we continued to stare at him. He looked up at Wesley… “Well go on then you big ponce, get to it.”

Wesley crossed his arms and paced a little, His warm and friendly demeanor carefully placed aside - He didn’t seem at all the man I’d heard about, he seemed confident and composed. He turned to me.

“Tara, do you think you and Willow would be able to do anything to stop Buffy?”

This was it - my big moment, my chance to cast all their fears aside and tell them that we could come through for them. I absently rubbed a hand across the plaster on my arm, I was hurting. What can we do? I looked at the floor, not to avoid his gaze…just to give myself time to think.

But I couldn’t

I couldn’t think of anything.

Anything but murdering her…and having to live with that

Better her than us right?

But what if we could stop her?

“No.”

I looked to Dawn fearful of crying as I passed the death sentence on any mystical hope. Dawn gave me an understanding smile and looked to the floor herself.

“I-I think it’s a little too advanced for me and anything w-with the kind of depth we’d need would be too much for Willow to support safely on her own. We could end up losing more than just Buffy.”

It was a slip, an admission - we were going to have to lose someone…I was just to chicken to say it all out loud.

Better her than us right?

And I wouldn’t risk Willow or anyone else in this room, enough of being the victims - I’d had more than enough of that in my lifetime, I’d walked away from that and now there were people here that needed to be protected.

“I thought Willow was all mighty witch, just toodling off to L.A. like that, I bet she can do it and you wont let her.” Anya said, annoyance and frustration clearly visible.

“Well right now she shouldn’t…she’s not focused to do this, obviously none of us are…and I‘m sure upsetting her isn‘t going to make that any better.”

“If she can’t keep her emotions in check then she certainly isn’t anything at all like the witch I was led to believe she was.” Wesley stated, glaring a little at Mr Giles before looking back at me.

“E-excuse me?” I said, more than a little shocked at the brash statement.

“She could be a dangerous liability using magicks at all.” Wesley added.

“Well did you think at any point maybe it would be a dangerous liability removing Angel’s soul?”

“It was vital we got the information that we needed from Angelus, It wasn’t a game…”

I hardly ever get angry but I could feel it boiling under the surface. “And yet you thought Willow was more than adequate for your needs to help you resoul him!”

Mr Giles interrupted. “This is clearly not the issue! We can’t stop Buffy with magic, or reason…which leaves us little solution other than…”

Faith pushed off from her position leaning against the wall. “This isn’t about Willow and it isn’t even about Angel anymore, he made his fucking decision!”

“Here, bleedin’ here.” Spike added.

“This is about B and you‘re all just happy to shift this around, dancing around what you really want to say so you can all have a clean conscience. When all is said and done you‘ll let her take one for the team? Better to put her out of her misery right?, you’re all fucking sick!”

She was right, I was thinking it long before this meeting, Buffy would only stop if she were dead.

But what choice do we have now?

The solutions have already been laid out and dismissed.

Better her than us right?

Maybe it’s a little selfish on my part, but I’m rooting for us.

Meet the parents

2004-02-08T22:59:26Z

We all have our little secrets, some we keep because they are joyous surprises for friends and loved ones, the others, the most real and pressing ones are the dark little secrets - the ones that we can never reveal.

For the longest time my dark little secret was that I was afraid. I was afraid of this one thing I seemed to have no control over, the one thing I wanted to bury under the floorboards and forget about. But it grew, and I was no longer just afraid, I was disgusted - for the most part with myself because with disgust would grow dishonesty and cowardice.

I was in love, with a girl - the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. My heart would break with even a glance from her. I tried to tell myself that it was just because I respected her and that it would only be natural that my feelings of respect would eventually drive me to seek closeness with her.

But I knew this wasn’t true, I’d felt this way before, this was attraction - pure and simple, a connection I needed to make. A container to carry the hot burrowing feeling in my stomach, making me feel weak and dizzy. I worshipped her more intently than any Goddess I could name.

I met Willow at Wicca group.

But I knew her along time before that, In my heart and my restless dreams from the few times I’d seen her beautiful face in the library or around campus. It made my heart sing and brought a smile to my face. The one or two ‘friends’ I clung to began to ask me who ‘he’ was and when I was seeing him again as my true feelings of happiness began to surface.

I lied to my friends, keeping up the pretence that ‘he’ was just a friend who enjoyed my company and spending time talking to me, because I was afraid - of their judgments and cruelties. My lie became my own personal drowning point - the lies were becoming more elaborate and was becoming more disgusted with myself because there could be no shame in loving someone as wonderful as Willow. But I still clung onto that feeling that the world would want to ridicule me.

But I confronted my fears, the cruelty of others and the contempt of my blood ties and ‘came out’ with my real feelings to the people I believed meant the most to me and the world turned into this magnificent place, with Willow in my life and her friends as my new family.

Now it was Willow’s turn to face the prejudices head on. She decided that she would tell her Mother about our relationship, I admit it hadn’t turned out as well as hoped and we were ‘basking’ in it’s glorious aftermath. She sat slumped by the front door, the hurt clearly visible across her normally angelic face. You see, Willow’s dark little secret isn’t that she’s scared how the world will see her for loving me - it’s something a little deeper than that.

“Honey, talk to me?”

“Well…that majorly sucked…” She sighed.

A smile graced my lips. “It’s true it’s not the happy ending we were inevitably fishing for.”

She raised a brow. “That’s it!” She sat up and the pout crept over her face.

“Huh?”

“I’m cutting you off! No more studying ancient texts with Giles, cos you’re starting to channel him… Next you‘ll be asking if I would ‘mind ever so much’ fixing you up some tea and getting you a copy of the Daily Mail - purely for the cricket results you understand!”

I could feel the grin forming and sat down next to her. “Would you? - be a love, ooh and a copy of The Sun…purely for the page three girls you understand.”

“But….but they’re half naked! You can see their….” She made what I can only describe as a crude melon squeezing motions.

I wiggled my eye brows suggestively.

“Oh veeery funny!”

I smiled. “A gal has to feel useful round here with ya’ll out fightin’ demons, sugar.” I gave her a wink. “Besides I have to keep up with the spells…it’s a little harder for me and Mr Giles is a good teacher.”

The frown dropped away from her face and was quickly replaced with a smirk, then she leaned in for a kiss before laying her head in my lap. “Why did this all get so screwed up?”

“I wouldn’t really say it’s screwed up - I mean this is a huge thing to process in one go - your Mother probably just needs a little time.”

Willow shifted in her position and looked up at me. “Nu uh, this is just typical of her - If she can’t accept it she just denies it, she can displace the information and still live in denial land - doesn‘t she know what ‘De Nile’ is a river?”

I was just waiting for her to get up and start pacing.

“I mean - there was the whole trying to burn me at the stake thing…never spoken of again.” She waved her hands in the air in a little ‘poof’ motion.

I tilted my head. “Is that what’s really bothering you? Your Mother denying it or you?”

“Well…”

“Because I thought you were happy that she wasn’t involved in our lives?” She gave me the puppy dog frown. “I promise I’m getting to a point here.”

I smiled. “Isn’t this the same kind of thing? - she isn’t involved…we hardly see her, she denies what you have told her…we hardly ever see her to talk about it anyway.”

“Yeah but she makes me kinda angry..”

“Why?” I wanted to let her finish without me coaching her - to find out the real reasoning for her contempt at the situation.

She looked at me with big teary green eyes and a tiny voice and her dark little secret was to be revealed. “I want her to take an interest, but she wont even accept me for me.”

And finally we were there, Willow still seeked the approval from her parents after all this time. For all the years she had driven herself by herself, she had always craved the praise and the pride she achieved solely for.

“Honey, just because she doesn’t wear her emotions out there on her sleeve doesn’t mean she isn’t proud of you or you haven’t lived up to her expectations…You know that right?”

She sat up and looked me in the eyes. “You think so?…she never shows it, neither does Dad…I guess it’s just cos I’m not carrying on the Rosenberg genius…I‘m not some well known psychologist rewriting theories and research books.”

“Does it help that you’ve read most of the books ever written?” I said with a sympathetic smile.

“Well more like scanned them…”

“And had better grades than anyone in the class, even after everything that happened?”

Willow smirked. “Well I found someone who inspired me…”

I beamed.

“…But she’s always gone on about Grandchildren. Cute little red haired grandchildren.”

Hmmm…

“H-hair color has been k-k-known to skip a generation or two.” I said. Damn that treacherous stutter.

“L’Oreal manufacture some great shades.” she said with a shrug.

“You know what I think?”

“That you love me more than yesterday?” She said with a satisfied smile.

I grinned back. “Of course, but also…I think that your Mother wouldn’t have reacted at all if she didn’t take any pride in you or who you are.”

“You think I’m being stupid don’t you?” She said with crossed arms.

“No, I think it’s a silly notion to think your parents don’t care…but it’s perfectly human to want your parents to be involved in everything you do.”

“Pride.” She said simply. “It’s just like that film, with Kevin Spacey all mad and hairless and the head in the box at the end. Oh Goddess…I’m turning into Brad Pitt…”

I laughed. “I should hope not…that man needs to find a razor half the time….still, he is cute like a puppy.”

“Hey now…sitting right here!”

“Willow, I’m going out for a bit.”

She looked at me, more than a little puzzled. “Whaa? Where are you going?...what are you doing?”

“I’m going to channel Mr Giles a little more.”

“Not the tweed, please not the tweed…me and Kitty...well…we just wouldn’t be able to handle it, I-it‘s all scratchy and dull, did I mention scratchy?…I like bright, clingy and non coordinating you!”

I tried not to laugh as I stood. “Ah yes, flattery.”

“What is it then?”

“I’m going to exercise the English forwardness and speak to your parents.”

Willow’s eyes went wide. “You remember when Glory sucked your brain away? You were there but you couldn’t find a way out? Imagine that times infinity and without the loss of sanity!”

“Will, it’s okay - I’ve never really introduced myself to them…I figure this as good a time as any. I promise I wont be gone long.” I picked up my bag and headed for the door. “And if you’re good while I’m away…I’ll pick up some donuts.”

She grinned, one of the best ways to calm a worried Willow is to feed her…I swear she picked it up from Xander.

I made my way through the streets, out to the suburbs where all the houses and yards seemed to look and feel the same. Hardly any children out playing games. I was half expecting all the residents to come out at the same time to mow the lawns. As I got closer to the Rosenberg residence I realized my time would have been more productively spent figuring out something at least half decent to say, rather than ‘Hi, I’m practically your daughter-in-law and I thought I would just pop by for coffee on the off chance that you will welcome me in with open arms.’

I hadn’t even realized I was already standing at the front door. I brushed down my skirt and blouse and took a deep breath before I knocked. Mr Rosenberg answered, his reading glasses half way down his nose.

“Hi Mr Rosenberg..”

“Hi?…”

“Tara Maclay…”

“Ah Willow’s friend right?”

I nodded.

“Come on in.”

He stepped aside and welcomed me in. Even though it wasn’t the first time I had visited I still couldn’t resist a sly glance at the pictures along the walls. Willow, Buffy, Xander and Oz all in their gowns for graduation - all looking a little tattered. Mr and Mrs Rosenberg being handed an award at a presentation, and a family shot - where I could only hazard a guess that Willow must have been around two or three years old. I smiled, they were all huddled together and all looked so happy.

Mr Rosenberg closed the door. “Is everything okay? I mean I half expected Willow to be with you.”

“Actually Mr Rosenberg, I came to speak with you and Mrs Rosenberg.”

He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “Please call me Ira, You are a grown woman after all, between you and me and although Sheila seems to think it only appropriate - It makes me feel a little old.” He smiled and I returned it.

He ushered me through to the kitchen. “Would you like a drink? I’m afraid Sheila isn’t back yet. I’m surprised you didn’t see her actually - she said she was going to visit Willow.”

“I’m fine thank you, She did stop by…unfortunately we didn’t all part on the best of terms and I wanted to come over to fix things.”

“Well I’m sure it isn’t anything that can’t be fixed.” He turned and walked around the kitchen table pulling out a chair. “Please take a seat…apologies for the clutter on the table…Sheila and I are due to go away to a seminar in Las Vegas in a few days…never hurts to start getting yourself organized early, wouldn’t you say?”

I nodded as I sat down. I could see where Willow got her eagerness from, always prepared for anything well in advance. My attention turned to the hallway as I heard the front door shut.

“Ira? Are you in the kitchen? I have something we must talk about…”

Mrs Rosenberg breezed in from the hallway and into the kitchen.

“I’m glad you’re back, Willow’s friend Tara stopped by to talk to us….” Mr Rosenberg began.

Mrs Rosenberg looked a little shocked at my presence. “Tara? What are you doing here?”

I stood from the chair. “I came over to talk to you and Mr Rosenberg…”

“Ira.” He added

“Ira.” I finished, with a nervous smile in his direction.

“Don’t you think it would be polite to get our visitor a cup of coffee?” She looked to Ira.

I jumped in. “Actually Mrs Rosenberg, Ira did offer but I didn’t want a drink. I realize you both must be busy right now - with the trip and all but I thought this was important.”

She sat down at the table and Ira sat down next to her. I took a seat and cleared my throat.

“I realize that things must have come as a shock to you today.”

“Just a little..” Mrs Rosenberg answered a little defensively.

“Was there a problem Sheila? I thought it was just a social call?” Ira shifted a little in his seat.

“It’s what I wanted to talk to you about Ira, I didn’t know Tara would be here. Willow and Tara are together.”

“Well of course they are..” He chuckled. “We helped Willow move some of her things over last year. You thought it was a wonderful thing Willow was gaining her own independence.”

“No I mean ‘together’ together.” Mrs Rosenberg continued.

Ira frowned for a moment, considering the information he had just been given. Then it sunk in.

“Oh.”

“As I said, it must have come as a shock to you today.”

Mrs Rosenberg relaxed a little and slipped into a more formal manner. Professional mode was now activated, this was going to be tricky. “You have to understand this is a huge issue to deal with right away.”

I looked down at the table as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. “Is it though? I mean, an issue?”

I could feel her staring at me before Ira continued. “Well, it’s commonplace for people of your age to have these type of feelings…especially as you both spend so much time in each other’s company.”

He shifted a little and continued. “…I’ve dealt with many cases…I mean it even happens in extreme situations, for example hostages or kidnap victims have been known to develop strong physical and emotional feelings for their aggressors after long periods of time…”

“I am aware of Stockholm Syndrome Mr Rosenberg…but this isn’t at all like that…Neither of us is forcing the other into this…we both care deeply about each other…I promised her I would take care of her and protect her.”

Mrs Rosenberg interrupted. “In my professional opinion I believe this to be merely a phase…”

“And in your parental opinion?” I looked up and challenged her, slightly annoyed with her instant dismissal of my feelings. She didn’t say anything and so I continued.

“I have never loved anyone as much as I love Willow, Mrs Rosenberg and I will never hurt her, if that means you have to hate the idea of us being together…”
“You’d leave her?” She questioned.

I looked her in the eye. “No. I would be all the family she has been for me…but I really hope it doesn’t have to be that way. I don‘t want her to be caught in a situation where she feels compelled to choose…this isn‘t what all of this is about.”

She sighed. There were quite a few moments of silence. Sheila stood and paced a little, I had to hide a smile by biting my lip as I recognized the movements mirrored by Willow earlier that afternoon. Ira sighed and lightly drummed his fingers on the table as if some mystical rhythm would give him the answer.

Sheila stopped and sat back down, she looked to Ira who nodded.

She looked back to me. “Are you both happy?”

“Very much so, I love her with all my heart.”

“Does she feel the same?”

I smiled.

“It’s going to take some time for us to get used to it, I feel like we barely know our own daughter any more.”

In that moment I noticed how truly sad she looked.

“If it makes any difference, Willow feels the same…and because of it she seems to think that you both are disappointed with her. It’s like she believes that because you haven’t taken as active a roll in her life recently…you aren’t proud that she’s achieved so much. I told her that I didn‘t think that was true.”

Ira looked at me. “We just thought that she would fair much better if we let her start making her own choices…we just saw things through our professional eyes. But we have always been proud of her achievements. ”

Sheila nodded. “She’s was always so consistent with her grades and her awards and she‘s always topic of conversation at our seminars.”

“I guess, maybe she just needs to hear it once in a while.” I gently slipped in, after all I’m pretty sure they don’t need parenting tips from me.

Mrs Rosenberg looked at me with a shocked and somewhat horrified expression…maybe the advice was a little too much.

“Oh Tara, I’m sorry - I’m usually so brash with you…ordering you round your own home…such.”

I smiled, a little relieved. “It’s okay, really…In all fairness you really don’t know me that well, but I’d like to get the chance to get to know you both if you’d like to get to know me better. You both have always been welcome at the apartment.”

She took a quick glance at the table before looking back at me. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, I just think….Ira and myself just need a little time to adjust first.”

I nodded…at least it was a starting point.

“Well after that I think I need a cup of caffeine…anyone care to join me?” Ira asked and I nodded with a smile.

I made my way back home, feeling, well - a little proud of myself actually. I opened the door and scanned around looking for Willow, who was sitting cross legged on the couch.

“Oh thank the Goddesses, you’re still in one piece…did they try analyzing you or start calling you Terri?”

I placed the box of donuts on the counter in the kitchen as I breezed through. Willow got up and followed me in.

“Tara?…please talk to me…it was much worse wasn’t it?”

I picked up a donut. “Piece of cake.”

I'll gladly take the pain...

2004-01-26T23:15:59Z

Come on…come on…

‘Any time’…I say to myself. Now I’m not one for choosing pain killer s over homeopathic medicine but in this instance I’m favoring the quick, manufactured and straight to the bone pain relief, …when you’re sane - it hurts a lot more. Besides - chants, bacchanals and spells tend not to work too well when on yourself.

I guess that’s the way things are ideally supposed to be, helping others before helping yourself. But in the end that’s the choice isn’t it? My own self belief, my selfishness, is that we should try and find some humanity, try again to help Buffy - and the cold fact that her death may be the only way, the selfless and giving way, to save everyone else.

I’ve never really been the selfish type, with the exception of Willow‘s love - I prefer to see others happy, rather than constantly dreaming my life away. My parents, despite all their faults always shared the wisdom that it is better to give than to receive. But right now everything seems to be a fog, what exactly am I supposed to do? I flinch as I realize….this is not about me, this is about everyone else. This is me helping others before helping myself.

‘Anytime now’…

I looked around, almost forgetting where I was, as the pain relief began to flood my body. Poor Xander, bruised and beaten, I turn again and see Anya cradling the ice pack to her head with one hand with the dark purple boot mark beginning to show across her pretty face, her other hand pressing firmly the dressing to Cordelia’s shoulder.

Dawn was fiercely clinging to Xander’s arm as if her sanity depended on it, and right now I understood that look in her eyes very well. I could feel Willow turn to me as I surveyed the wreckage of our gang, but I wasn’t really there - just in and out. Things are more than a little on the desperate side, we’ve fought non corporeal evil, demons and vampires, but what are you supposed to do when it’s one of your own?…No really?

I looked up, Mr Giles was speaking. “Well, it’s clear that we’re not ready to deal with the situation as we are now.”

He took off his glasses and began to clean them, with more than a little defeat apparent in his efforts. “ I really think that this is not as simple as Faith would like to believe, but she is right - we are in no fit state to tackle Buffy in any reasonable way. It’s probably better we get the medical attention needed...” He motioned to Anya and Cordelia as the most recent cases, then placed his glasses on. “…and reconvene in the morning.”

A decision needs to be made.

Hostile

2004-01-19T01:18:07Z

The hours of research were beginning to take their toll, I stood from my seat and stretched. It was fair to say that we were getting nowhere fast, I mean it would have been better if we’d had a place to start - but without that luxury the beginning seemed like a giant chasm of doubts and uncertainties.

“Okay I’m beat, has anyone else found a good starting point?”

Willow looked up from behind the pile of books and smiled. “Prologue work for you? It’s about as far as I’ve got.”

Wesley rubbed his neck with a small grimace, moving his hunched up form in the chair. “Progress is slow I must confess.”

Poor Xander had turned up earlier sporting bruised ribs and a battered belief in his best friend when he had run into her at the Bronze. We were all a little shook up, it had taken Buffy a lot less time than we were hoping for to get back to Sunnydale and we were no further with answers or possible solutions. But at least Xander was okay, I thank the Goddess every time one of us is spared.

“I think I’ll probably be more productive on errands duty, Coffee run?” I suggested with more than a little pleading added to my tone.

“Ooh Mocha goodness, sounds pretty good right about now.” Eventually she looked up from the text she was engrossed in. “You need any help with that baby?”

I shook my head, Willow and Wesley and Giles were the brains after all and I figured better to let them carry on with the researching. Dawn was off in the corner, trying her best to get through the selection of dusty volumes, after seeing Xander in such a vulnerable state, she had said hardly said a word to any one and had begun to help with the research. It was clear to everyone she was desperate to help bring her sister back from the brink. I had my doubts though - What if Buffy didn’t want to come back? There were unspeakable horrors awaiting all of us.

Mr Giles came in from the kitchen, cleaning his glasses and muttering to himself. “Tara, would you mind bringing in some donuts? It seems that since this afternoon’s meeting my kitchen is rather poorly stocked.”

“Sure Mr Giles.” I nodded to the others and Willow stood.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay going out there alone? I could go with…”

I placed a kiss on her lips and pulled away smiling. “I’ll be okay, Espresso pump and back, I promise….I wont even be gone long.”

She nodded as I made my way to the door.

It wasn’t particularly late but Main street seemed to be deserted, there wasn’t even a queue outside the Bronze. I tried to keep my head clear - coffees, mochas and donuts and as quickly as possible. I crossed the street from the cinema, it was creepy and far too quiet. I was at the Espresso pump.

Then I wasn’t.

I hit the floor before I had a chance to protect myself from the fall - and heard a loud crunch as I fell on my right arm.

“Hell, that sounded like it hurt…T-T-Tara, might even be broken.”

With the pain still surging through my arm I turned my head to try to look up. But I was a little too slow.

“Here, let me take a look at that for ya.”

I didn’t need to see who it was, I just knew it was the last person I wanted to see right now - and she was pulling me up by my arm, Goddess it hurt!

“Well it’s broken now.”

Buffy pulled harder on my arm and stood me up, I could barely see her through the water clouding my eyes. I tried to formulate a spell in my mind but I couldn’t concentrate. She dragged me down the alley from the street and backhanded me square on the jaw. I hit the floor again, There was no doubt I’d at least fractured my arm as I landed on it the second time and I yelped pathetically. From the corner of my eye I saw a broken section of lead pipe from out of one of the trash bags and was tempted to grab it, but I didn’t - I didn’t want to hurt her.

“I k-know this isn’t y-you Buffy, you w-wouldn’t do this to your friends.”

She laughed. “You’re right, I wouldn’t but seeing as you aren’t I’m only just getting started.”

She swung her leg to kick me and I braced for the impact. But it never came. Instead she crouched down beside me.

“It occurs to me that we’ve never really had a chat, you and I…and seeing as I’ve known you for a good few years I feel that’s a little rude on my part.”

“I don’t know you at all.” I spat

“Now now little miss stutter mouth, there’s no need to be impolite.”

I tried to glare at her but I felt more than a little pathetic spread out across the tarmac.

“Come on now Tara, I’m just trying casual conversation - cut me some sllllllllack here. I just think I should get to know the person who’s fucking my supposed best friend as all.”

I ignored the comment, ‘she’s just trying to get me to bite’ I thought.

“Willow always told me that you were a strong person, but you’re just as weak as the rest of us.”

That earned me another slap across the face.

“Did I say it was your turn to talk yet? I think not. So lets just keep your input to a minimum and I’ll be a lot happier frankly, all that ‘w-w-w’ and ‘t-t-t-t’ tries my patience - learn to speak properly. I mean, fuck, Tara what the hell is wrong with you.” She let out a dramatic sigh and shuffled on to something new. “Can I be honest with you?”

I waited, was she trying to bait me into another remark? I hurt and all I wanted to do was get away but I wasn’t ready to just step in line.

“Hey now - that was your queue - the whole I go, I go again, I slap you good and hard like you deserve and then you go.”

“I don’t know Buffy…” I started and knew this was going to result in another slap but it was going to be worth it to watch her face. “…Can you be honest? Is it possible for someone as ‘damaged’ as you to be to be that shiny and new?”

A slap, much harder this time - I could feel the tingling as my lip began to swell. She smiled. “I like Madonna, that whole ‘like a virgin’ thing is just hilarious, cos I mean come on now - there’s no way that girl has ever been pure, is she from the Valley at all?”

Her attention seemed to waiver as she contemplated the implications of Madonna’s origin and I reached for the pipe. With all the strength I could muster I swung it at her head.

She fell backwards with a thud, cradling her head. “That’s it, I’m going to fucking kill you…”

But I didn’t wait for her to get up, I gritted my teeth - pulled myself off the floor and tried my best to run as fast as I could, never looking back.

News?

2004-01-04T23:01:20Z

SC

At first I didn’t know what to say. If Mr Giles had been the one to call me I figured it could only be terrible news.

“Tara? are you still there?”

I swallowed and answered. “Y-yes sir, are Willow and Buffy hurt?”

There was a pause that seemed to go on for eternity – then he answered.

“I don’t believe so.” I breathed a sigh of relief for their safety. He continued.

“Xander called me moments ago. He wasn’t hugely forthcoming with all the details; I’m under the impression that his knowledge about the situation is sketchy at best. It seems he received a phone call from Willow this afternoon and things didn’t work out in L.A. as hoped.”

I knew it, I’d expected to feel something from Willow if the resouling of Angel had worked – some kind of shift or connection but the only things that had been building up in my heart were feelings of dread and fear. I also felt a little hurt, a selfish feeling because I hadn’t been the one to receive the call from Willow first – but I dismissed it instantly – Willow always had damn good reasons for doing things the way she did and I had to respect her decision.

“They didn’t manage to save Angel did they?” I said, pretty much asking rhetorically.

Mr Giles cleared his throat and continued in a tiny vulnerable voice I’ve never heard him use before. “No.”

“Mr Giles?”

“Willow explained that Buffy seemed to be in a bad way. She doesn’t appear to be severely injured but the unsuccessful encounter with Angelus seems to have left her somewhat off balance, emotionally.”

“Oh Goddess! ….b-but, well that would be expected though wouldn’t it? I-I mean she and Angel were close at one time?” I cursed the stutter, I mostly have a handle on it now but the nervousness was beginning to set in.

He sighed. “Indeed, but I fear and as Willow describes it, this seems to be more than mourning, Buffy’s demeanor seems to have become numb and threatening. Look, it’s probably best we don’t spend too much time speculating – I’ve asked Xander and Dawn to meet me at my house.”

I took a breath to try to settle myself. “Do you need me to do anything?”

“Please Tara, could you call Cordelia and Anya and inform them of the situation?”

“O-of course, consider it done.”

“I would appreciate it if you could come over as soon as possible and tell them to do the same. Oh and Tara?”

“Yes?”

“I know you are worried but I’m sure that Willow is fine, she’s quite a remarkable young woman.” He said

“She is.” I said trying to keep my voice calm and not betray the tears I had been holding back. After all, there are no safer hands than Willow’s.

He said his goodbye and hung up the phone.

I began dialing the number for Cordelia with shaky hands and hoped I wouldn’t be interrupting anything.

Home

2003-12-06T01:21:03Z

Home, it’s such a warm wonderful word. Hhhhhhome. Don’t get me wrong, I really did enjoy the time we spent in touch with nature – but it’s always nice to be…home.

I finished unpacking everything from the trip and sat down on the couch to fuss with Miss Kitty – but I was interrupted by a knock on the front door.

“Hang on sweetie, I’ll be right back.”

With a sigh I left the couch and opened the door, to be greeted by the sight of Mrs Potter and a Tupperware container. Trying my best to stifle the laughter at the regimental figure she was imposing I cast an eye over her.

“Hey there, the boy scouts have already been round…I bought four boxes of their lovely confectionary just this morning.”

“Very funny young Miss Maclay…”

I smiled. “Come in Gladys.”

She stepped in – thrusting the container into my hands like the contents were still hot – I tried to quiet the audible ‘oof’ and stepped aside.

“Can I get you something to drink at all?”

She smiled as she surveyed our apartment, I was pretty sure she had been thinking of ways to get herself invited in ever since the ‘lizard men’ incident.

She turned to me, satisfied with her first glance around hallway and the living room. “Do you have any Earl Grey?” she said as she made herself comfortable on the couch. Miss Kitty hopped into her lap and curled up. ‘Traitor’ I thought to myself.

“I’m sure we have some. I’ll go look.” I said as I headed into the kitchen. “Do you take sugar...or sweeteners?”

I heard a wheeze of laughter from the living room. “No thank you dear…I’m sweet enough.” Once again I tried valiantly to suppress my laughter.

Somewhere in the back of the cupboard I knew there was Earl Grey. I prefer Ginseng myself – when I’m not packing away the coffee on a long night of research. But one terrifying evening, Willow’s mother stopped by to inspect out new living quarters and happened to bring a box with her.

But even the constant psychological assessment that Sheila Rosenberg could throw in my direction didn’t seem so bad when my current audience was Gladys Potter. As I drifted away and shivered at the thought of both of them being in the living room together, my favourite Rosenberg came bounding through the backdoor.

“Hey baby – you miss me?” she put her keys down on the counter.

I grinned. “Always…How was Buffy?”
Willow shrugged and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. “She was good – and not a word that we brought Dawnie home more than slightly tarnished.”

She made her way over to the fridge in one fluid movement and pulled out a bottle of mineral water. Both of us leaned on opposite counters – she proceeded to take the top off the bottle and start drinking. She stopped in mid sip and looked at me then turned around to look behind her. She spun round looking pale faced and nearly choked on the first mouthful of her water.

“Oh goddess – Is my mother here?! ..H-how long has she been here?...has she been studying you again?!”

I smiled as Mrs Potter appeared in the kitchen doorway. “Hello Willow, young Tara here was kind enough to offer me a drink.”

Willow grimaced with her back to our unexpected guest and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from howling with laughter.

“Hello Mrs Potter.” Willow said turning towards her. “What a pleasant surprise.”

“And she brought us some homemade cookies, Sweetie.”

Willow nodded her head slightly. “Well thank you, how thoughtful of you.”

Mrs Potter shifted about a little and smiled proudly. “Well you two are my favourite neighbors…I like to think I can keep up with you youngsters.”

“Imagine that.” Replied Willow.

“Hey Will – you should take these cookies into the living room with you…” I turned to Mrs Potter. “She just loves cookies…my own little cookie monster.”

As they both made their way from the kitchen I felt a pinch in my side, Willow gave me a sickeningly sweet smile as she took one of the cookies out of the container and shoved it whole into her mouth, then she proceeded into the living room after Mrs Potter.

After a few short moments and the sounds of obnoxiously loud crunching – I made my way into the other room with a tray of tea.

“Do you girls have company often?”

I raised a brow to the question – not exactly sure where it could be going.

“Well you have such a lovely tea set dear.” Mrs Potter said as she carefully brought the cup to her mouth…I almost expected a slurp but I figured the only person who would actually do that and purely for the fun of it was Willow.

I sat in the chair opposite and Willow shifted a little. “We have a friend who comes to visit sometimes…He’s from England…ya know the second Motherland of Tea and serious competitors in the Tea and scone consuming stakes…” Willow looked at me for rescue.

“The tea set was actually a present from another friend; she said it would be perfect for us ‘old couples’ and our entertaining.” I explained with a thoughtful smile.

Willow shifted again on the couch. “Humph…like she’s way older than both of us put together anyhow.”

I gave Willow a gentle yet disapproving look – Willow pouted in return before casting an evil grin my way.

“Tara, you really should try these cookies, they’re….yummy.” She said whilst rubbing her tummy for effect.

Mrs Potter looked at me with a triumphant smile and Willow stuck her tongue out. I was seriously thinking over the ‘wheat allergy’ excuse that Buffy so often reserved for Dawnie’s burnt offerings, but I knew Gladys Potter was no fool. Make no mistake Rosenberg…that visit from your Mother is coming sooner than you think!

Miss Kitty once again made herself comfortable on Mrs Potter’s lap and Willow scowled in disapproval.

“Beautiful cat you have girls…shame she molts s much.”

‘Shame it isn’t in her tea.’ I could hear Willow’s thoughts as clear as day and I hoped to the high Goddesses she hadn’t said it out loud!

Willow coughed politely and turned her attention to me. “So honey…how was the trip to the doctors?”

I looked at her a little puzzled. “The doctors?”

“Aww sweetie…no need to be shy…The Gynaecologist is never pleasant honey, but us girls have to look after ourselves.” Willow turned to Mrs Potter. “You know how it is for us modern girls having to look after ourselves.”

Mrs Potter visibly stiffened. She carefully removed Kitty from her lap and stood. “Well you girls obviously have things to discuss and I’ve got plenty of housework that needs my full attention….”

In a shot she was by the door. “…I’ll leave you to it.”

I watched her close the door behind her and turned to Willow, turning my head to the side with disapproval. “You know…that was very mean.”

A smirk sat their all proud and pronounced on Willow’s face. “And those cookies tasted like the bottom of a bird’s cage.”

I placed my cup down on the table…contemplating if Willow had actually tasted the bottom of a bird cage and if so ……why?! Then I crossed my arms in disinterest.

“I’m in for some serious butt kicking aren’t I?”

“Oooh you wish.” I said – trying my best not to crack into a smile. “And Will?...The Gynaecologist?...couldn’t you have picked something just a little more personal to lead with?”

“Well the more I though …’please excuse me...I have to go sort through Tara’s underwear, cos it’s so tiny I keep forgetting which pocket I put it in’ the dirtier it sounded.” Willow said before she slouched back into the couch.

I couldn’t stop the grin forming. “Oooh now that deserves an ass kicking.”

“Yay!” said Willow.

The pit

2003-11-10T20:30:42Z

SC

It’s been so quiet, Willow and Buffy have left for LA – Dawn has been discharged from hospital and is staying with Xander – He called to let me know she was being let out and sounded very distant. I can understand his caution and I thank the Goddess he found it in his heart to contact me at all – I know I don’t deserve it. I tried to apologise on the phone, but it sounded so hollow inside that the words never came out.

I haven’t seen Mr Giles at all in the last few days and Anya and Cordelia are keeping mostly to themselves. Faith hasn’t been around at all but I figure she’s doing what she knows – keeping ahead with patrols. I’d call her to see how she is but I have a feeling she’d think I wanted a heart to heart to share my problems…and she’s just not that kind of girl.

I’ve had a terrible feeling of restlessness; I can’t find a calm place right now. Usually I would try meditation or magic to help me but I can’t face either, just the thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach – I guess this my own punishment. I betrayed everything I believe in as a quick fix to the rejection and the sting. The worst of it is, for the first time in a long time I feel afraid…of myself.

Since I’ve been in Sunnydale I learned that I could trust myself to do good things and be someone. I had the support of people around me that showed me to love and believe in myself. But I’ve also learned that somewhere down inside, there is a demon waiting to get out – not the demon my Father would have had me believe I was but the evil that is contempt, rage and selfishness and now I realise that this greater evil is something only I can control.

I had to get out of the house; I just feel that without my ‘family’ around me I’m alone. Okay so I’ve been working up to it – pathetically skulking around, trying to think of a better…no…an easier way out. I realise though – the only way I can make all the things I did right is to face the consequences of my actions by speaking to Xander and Dawn and let them decide if they want to let me back into their lives. I know it seems I’m just trying to alleviate my own feelings of guilt – but what ever their decision, I will accept it. I just need them to know that I do feel incredible remorse for the things we all put them through, not for my piece of mind…you understand, but for them to see that I am truly sorry. They can do whatever they see fit after that.

After a whole morning of silent contemplation this morning, I got halfway to Xander’s apartment and froze. I felt so disgusted with myself and without Willow there beside me for moral support, all I want to do is run and hide.

Maybe I should try calling Xander first, the last thing I want to do is turn up uninvited and make the situation more uncomfortable for him and Dawn than it already is. Then I’m going to have to face my fear and go to the Magic Box, I could give Anya her coupons back – It seems like a good reason to force myself back on the right track again.

It’s that or worry about Willow and Buffy in LA and right now I don’t need any more excuses for that – There’s been no word from either of them yet. They say no news is good news but I don’t seem to find any comfort from that at all.

Florence Nightingale

2003-10-21T21:29:49Z

EM

All I wanted was a quiet camping trip, getting back to nature with my favorite girls in the whole world and having great and wonderful adventures.

I’m calling a time out right now…evil forces, hit the showers…my team’s injured and the substitutes were left at home battling the Hellmouth. The referee wants to postpone the tryouts for the apocalypse.

I came round from my haze to find Willow on the floor.

Crawling closer to her side I gathered her slowly into my arms and began to clear away the hair across her face, desperate to see the extent of the bleeding. I saw movement from the corner of my eye.

“Dawnie? Are you hurt?” I shouted, my attention drawn to the moving form.

A few rustles later and a reply came. Dawn untangled herself from the vines around her and coughed a little.

“I’m okay; just never thought shrubs could be so unfriendly. How could so many tree huggers be wrong?” Dawn snorted as she pulled leaves out of her hair and threw them to the ground.

“No offense.” She said as she turned her gaze to me from dusting down her jacket with a half shrug. I rolled my eyes at her and gave a playful smile. Dawn’s eyes widened as she noticed Willow in my arms and ran over to me. Pensively she kneeled by my side. “Is she okay?”

A grin began to form in the corner of Willow’s mouth as she stirred, her eyes still closed. “She’s an evil energy butt kicker.”

I laughed forgetting the pain in my ribs as I concentrated on my girl. After cleaning all the matted hair from Willow’s face I could see that her nose was bleeding, no doubt visible signs of strain from the amount of energy she had channelled, but other than that and a few scratches she seemed fine.

“We should get you cleaned up.” I said as I guided an arm across my shoulder and helped her from the floor. She nodded, popping an eye open. She scrunched up her nose and touching it with her hand, wiped away the blood.

“Not gonna miss the nose bleeds.” She sniffed loudly.

Moving the blanket over with my foot I helped Willow down to sit on it.

“Dawnie, could you get me the antiseptic wipes from the bag in our tent please?”

She nodded. “You got it.” scurrying into the tent and brought the box with her.

“Did you bring the baby lotion and the rubber ducky as well?” Willow cackled.

I shot her a look of mock disapproval as I knelt down beside her. “I said we were going camping… I didn’t say you were going to get lucky Rosenberg.”

The laughing stopped and Willow unleashed the pouty lip. “You don’t play fair.”

I bit my lip a little, stifling a giggle before I continued. “Well you were making fun, I’ve hung around you guys enough of a night to have to treat continuous fatal scuffed knees and bruised egos not to mention the stake splinters in Xander’s…”

Willow covered her ears with her hands. “Eww, you said you wouldn’t mention it! I’ll have nightmares about tweezers again!”

I put my hands up in comical surrender. “Okay…But it never hurts to be prepared.”

The smile returned to Willow’s face before folding out to another smirk. “I always thought you should have been a nurse…but I see you lack the bedside manner.”

“Funny, you always make the hugest effort to let me know my bedside manner is impeccable.” I said with a wink.

“GAH.” Came a shout from the tent. “You guys about to get all kissy face again? Cos if you are I’m gonna take a walk…”

There was some scuffling around in the tent, before Dawn re-emerged, hair standing up on end, wipes under arm. “Maybe get lost,…hitchhike a lift from a big sweaty trucker and end up making knock off handbags in a Mexican sweat shop!”

“I see the big sister humor is rubbing off nicely.” Willow said. Dawn pulled a face and stuck out her tongue. “I can see you, threadin’ that little needle, with the big boss man shouting ‘esclavo’ and laughing hideously while Janice polishes his spankin’ new boots.” Dawn could do nothing but cross her arms in defiance before she dropped herself down on the blanket laughing with full teenage sarcasm.

Willow looked up at me, a childlike grin spreading across her face. “How you enjoying the camping trip so far baby?” she drawled.

“I stand by my initial thoughts that this was a good idea.”

She tipped her head, changing the grin to satisfied smirk as Dawn threw over the wipes.

“Okay, this part of the trip wasn’t so good but I know it can only get better.”

Dawn shifted uncomfortably. “So are we safe now or is the Blair Bitch Project due back anytime?”

I gazed over to Willow. “There’ll be no standing in the corner…I think it’s gone.”
She ran a hand across my back and I grimaced.

Dawn frowned. “You did take that whole half a tree to the back pretty well considering.”

Willow lifted up the back of my shirt. “I think it’s just bruising, better stay off your back for a little while.”

“Can’t guarantee it.” I said, innocence across my face. Willow blushed.

Dawn rolled her eyes. “I might be younger than you guys but I can still decipher your ‘code’…is that all you two ever think about?”

I smiled as sweetly as I could. “I just meant I wouldn’t be able to…”

“Save it.” Dawn stated. “You’re like little bunnies, if it was physically possible for you two to have babies you could have populated a small planet by now!”

Willow laughed while trying to hide her face, I shrugged – I mean what’s a girl to do?

We sat by the fire until the early hours, talking and laughing together. As the embers began to dull, Dawn excused herself and went to bed.

“I’m sorry I stormed off today…”

Looking Willow in the eyes I smiled. “I wasn’t exactly Miss Sunshine myself, you don’t need to apologise.”

“With everything going on…I just…I’m sorry for yelling at you…it’s the first time in a long time where I haven’t felt in control of my life, and you know me…if I can’t draw a diagram or come up with some kind of a chart…I get kinda nervous.”

I shifted a little closer to her and took her hand, absently running little circles over it with my thumb.

“Will, you don’t have to apologise for being human, I’m not upset with you.” I took a breath. “All I want you to know is, no matter how you feel or however mixed up you get… I will always be here for you.”

Her face lit up, like an angel. “You know, I think I really did it this time… I beat it, I thought it would be so easy to use something stronger like anger or rage to beat it today…but I saw you there and I didn’t, I controlled only the things I could. You taught me that.” She pulled me close and wrapped her arms around me tightly. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

“You know what I think?” I whispered.

She pulled herself away only slightly.

“We’re lucky to have each other.”

She rested her head on my shoulder.

“I think we should go to bed.” I said, a little huskier than I had originally planned. Willow lifted her head and grinned wildly. I stood and offered my hand but winced at the ache in my back.

“What about your back? …I mean...you said that…not that I’m implying that we…oh I did just imply didn’t I?...I don’t have to…not that I wouldn’t you understand…cos I would all the time…” I held a finger across her lips and watched as she followed my lead with the calming breaths.

Her brow knitted together. “What about your back?”

“I don’t remember saying I would be the one laying on my back.”

reality...what an abstract concept

2003-10-09T19:10:02Z

SC

I found myself sitting on the couch; I don’t remember the journey back at all. I felt so cold and lost within myself, it was like being dragged into my own mind again by Tresupius, only this time I didn’t feel fear, I just felt disgust with myself – this deep down loathing in the pit of my dark heart. I barely even heard the phone ringing.

What had we done? We had all gathered together with smiles on our faces to watch the death of Dawn Summers…by our own hands. I felt sick to my stomach - the whole scene only came back in pieces to start with, broken shards of memory trickling back to me…scratch by scratch.

I cast a spell…

I don’t think it worked

…but that’s not even the point!

I was intent on using magic to deliberately cause hurt to someone specifically for my own satisfaction. Would the Goddesses forgive me for such a blatant disregard of their graces?

That was the least of my worries. I had tried to use it against Dawn, someone I held as close in my heart as a sister. The visions became clearer to my head, us all laughing – growling like a pack of wolves watching Faith cut and torture her…And the worst part…I enjoyed it! I could almost taste the sickeningly sweet feeling, revelling in the sight of her squirming away.

Willow sat there beside me on the couch and let me cry it out on her shoulder, she held me there silently. We were all guilty, after were after Xander too and anyone who wanted to stand in the way of true love and happiness. It’s crazy, I mean, isn’t that all that everyone wants on the most basic of levels?

And yet we were willing to cross the line into hatred to advertise and preserve it.

I awoke from my reverie. Lifting my head from Willow’s shoulder and moving away across the couch I turned to her.

“D-d-do you think she’s going to be okay?” I whimpered.

With a shift in position, like her body was made of lead, Willow looked to the floor.

“I don’t know, we were going to kill her – I don’t know if I’d be okay with me...If I’d almost been…” She spoke in a whisper, her eyes still glued to the floor.

“W-where are the others?” I cut in. I didn’t want to think of the possibilities, if Xander and Spike hadn’t had stopped us.

She lifted her head to look at me “Well Buffy…went to the hospital, with...” She tried to drop her gaze slightly but caught her chin with my hand. “Dawnie and Xander. Anya and Cordelia sloped away, Giles did much the same.” She absently began to brush a hand across her chin and winced. “I remember being on the end of Spike’s clothes line and Faith…Well knowing Faith she’s probably beating the life back into the undead somewhere dank and poorly lit.”

I sighed; I didn’t have a clue what to do next. I wanted to sleep but I knew I would just lay there. “What did we do to her?” I hadn’t meant to say it out loud, as if I didn’t already know what had happened but it was out there, timidly – awaiting judgement.

“It wasn’t us.”

I raised my brow in question.

“Okay it was us, but it was our totally manipulated by musical demons and loving the world selves...Which seems weirdly ridiculous? And thank the Goddess we didn’t have to sing, cos me…and singing…well, I’m just saying that would have been a lot crueller…which is entirely selfish because, Hello?..Not the tortured party here…”

“Will.” I uttered softly. She’d been trying her hardest to store away her own feelings of guilt to look after me, but now the strain was beginning to show.

“I’m sorry.” She said as she took in a calming breath. “It’s just a part of me knew what was going on…I knew we were all so happy and I didn’t want it to end…no matter what we had to…”

I nodded and I could feel my tears again. She moved closer to me on the couch and hugged me for all I was worth. We stayed like that and it seemed like hours.

“Willow, was that Buffy on the phone earlier?”

She pulled away slightly. “No it was Wesley…”

Her face darkened and I frowned.

“He needs me and Buffy to go to LA…”

“Is everything okay?”

“It’s Angel…well Angelus...Wesley needs me to go.”

I shook my head deathly afraid, the word in my head screaming to my attention was Karma. Maybe I was just being crazy with everything that had happened, or maybe this was the punishment intended for all things past.

“I don’t have a good feeling about this Will. How did it happen?” I said with a hitch in my voice.

“I don’t know. Baby I’ll be careful I promise…But I have to go, I’m the only living person who has been able to resoul Angel before.”

I knew I couldn’t argue the matter, and to do otherwise would have been for purely selfish reasons. No one was safe with Angelus free.

I sighed. “When will you be leaving?”

“As soon as I tell Buffy.”

I tried to keep my composure and blinked back the tears; I cursed myself inwardly as I felt them escape through closed eyes.

I felt Willow place a gentle kiss on my forehead and then traced away my tears with her thumb. “I love you. I promise I’ll be careful.”

"Torture me all you want."

2003-09-21T22:55:12Z

SC

I’m a mess, I can’t think straight at all. Willow’s plan to hurt Xander didn’t work and all I can think about right now is getting my hands on Dawn and subjecting her to hours and hours of cruel painful torture. Figures that Buffy and Faith will probably be better at that than me, so I bow graciously and step aside, I’ll just cast my spell to make her torture all the more insufferable. Last I heard they had an incident with the selfish little pest and were off to find her, she’s really going to get it when those two find her.

She deserves everything that happens to her though, if you can’t find love in your heart and soul you shouldn’t be alive…or is it – you aren’t alive? Doesn’t matter either way, the putrid teen will find out the hard way. Love after all is all you need right? – I love the Beatles…I’m just an old fashion type of gal.

As for Xander, I should have known. I bet he’s hated me all along - the sneak. He just dislikes me because he doesn’t think I’m good enough for Willow, looking down his nose at me the whole time I’ve been here like his love was better than mine – Where is his love now? All shrivelled up like his heart, a dark lump of festering coal slowly choking him.

Well I’ll show him what’s good for Willow…like it’s any of his business, guess he’ll never find out what kind of ‘magic’ we get up to on our own, you know what they say about information falling on ‘death ears’ – hmm seems more appropriate worded that way, wouldn’t you say?

I got a little restless and Willow god that funny look in her eye.

“let’s head down to the Bronze Tare…I just got this feeling that we don’t want to miss this.”

I frowned. “Miss what?”

“The Dawnie execution party.”

I giggled, jumping up and down excitedly. “You think they found her?”

She nodded. “Like I said…I just got this feeling in my belly.”

“Want me to rub it?” I asked.

She smirked before grabbing my hand and pulling me close and wiggling her eye brows at me. “How about after we watch the Faith and Buffy finish off Dawnie? That’s sure to get me in the mood.”

I bit my lip playfully before taking her hand and pulling her along to the door with me. “That’s my girl.”

“Do you think maybe…?” Willow stopped with a shy look.

I turned to her. “What is it sweetie?”

She shrugged. “You think they’ll let us torture Dawnie too?”

“Would you mess with two kick ass witches?” I said as a grin spread across my face.

“Yay.” She whispered returning the grin and walking out the door.

We set off towards the Bronze, excited with thoughts of revenge on the worlds ‘anti’ lovers. We caught a glimpse of Anya and Cordelia, walking hand in hand in front of us.

"If you go down to the woods today..."

2003-09-20T20:10:02Z

EM

In that split second I was torn.

I knew that Willow walking in the woods on her own was potentially the worst situation possible but I had never felt so angry with her – and we’ve been through many hard situations together. I decided it was best I leave her to wander for a few minutes and let myself cool down. Anger is such a consuming force, pushing us to do things to spite others even when we don’t want to hurt them. I wasn’t going to let anger create a void of hurt feelings and distrust between us, sometimes even the strongest relationships can’t recover from that.

Our argument had woken Dawn and I immediately felt guilty that she had been a witness to it. It’s not why we brought her along and I certainly didn’t want her to be unhappy too. She sat up wide eyed, hair all mussed up – blinking quizzically at me.

“Tara, is everything alright?” She yawned.

I promised myself that no matter what happened I would never lie to Dawn. So I chose to say nothing but give her an acknowledging glance with a small shake of the head and then stared back out towards the woods that Willow had vanished into.

“It’s okay Tara, I heard you guys yelling at each other…I recognise fighting when I hear it. Been in the middle of fights between the parentals.”

I clenched my jaw tightly and successfully pushed my tears back down inside, after all – we all knew how well the situation had turned out for her parents.

“We had a disagreement about a few things Dawnie, but we’ll work through it.” I sighed. I mean, no matter what – we’d always managed that.

Sit down and work through it, I told myself though I wasn’t sure it could work this time. Willow was so far out of my touch, no matter what I said to her she couldn’t believe that she was strong enough to control the powers inside her and simply, the more she thought that way…stronger the chance she would be right. I mean you resign yourself to something being the way it is and you give up the chance and opportunity to fight to change it.

Dawn stirred me from my thoughts. “Shouldn’t someone go after her? I mean it’s pretty dark and scary…could be any kind of nasty things hiding in the woods!”

I nodded. “I’ll just give her a few minutes to herself and then I’ll go find her.”

She must have seen the pained face I was desperately trying to hide from her, she spoke again. “You guys aren’t going to break up are you?...please tell me that’s not going to happen..?”

I felt in that moment I wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t. If I couldn’t reason with Willow I had no chance of reaching her and offering my support.

“Tara?”

I turned to Dawn.

“I know you guys just think I’m a kid and I don’t understand much but I get it.”

“Get what?” I tilted my head to her, not understanding where she was coming from.

She shrugged. “I don’t know what it is but something else happened to Willow when she was taken away, didn’t it? What was it Tara?”

She’d grown up in front of us and we’d all been too blind to even notice. I smiled gently then realised what Dawn was asking.

I unzipped my sleeping bag and opened it out, patting on the newly exposed side and Dawn shifted out of her own sleeping bag and sat down next to me.

“She’s dealing with something that happened when she was taken away but it’s really not my place to tell you Dawnie, it’s something personal to Willow and she should be the one to let you know.”

She nodded at me, understanding that the situation was a little more serious than she had originally thought or that anyone had told her.

I looked back to the woods.

“Are you going to bring her back now?” Dawn whispered.

There was something there, but it certainly wasn’t Willow. I could feel a change, an force that didn’t belong out here in all this pure natural energy. I scanned the woods again my brows furrowing.

“Dawn listen very carefully, I want you to stay here. There’s something out there and it’s making me feel pretty uncomfortable.” I said as began to move.

I reached for the bag next to the sleeping bag, pulling out various powders.

“I’m going to need to find Willow but I want you to stay here.” I said as I began to pour the powers around Dawn in a protective circle.

“When I’ve finished this circle, stay inside – don’t break the circle, no matter what…You understand? No matter what…”

She nodded at me then her eyes glazed and her jaw dropped. I could tell by her expression looking past me that it was too late and I pulled her closer to me. I felt the force of something across my back; Dawn went flying from my grip and into a tree trunk – hard. I lifted my face from the dirt. She moved, but only slightly. I tried to stand up only just managing to find my feet before I got knocked down again by something whipping me hard across my back. I lifted my head, feeling the prickly static going through my body and the cold sweat as shock began to set in.

I saw Dawn get up and scream as branches with a mind of their own snaked their way to her, wrapping themselves around her ankles – pulling her over and then continuing to wrap themselves around her. They pulled her up, suspending her in the air, the new branches whipping at her face, little cuts dripping blood down her face.

“DAWN!” I cried as I tried to stand for the third time, checking behind me and avoiding the branches swinging wildly to knock me over again. I raised an arm to shield my eyes as I held my hand out to cast. I didn’t see the log whipped up by the growing wind and it hit me in the stomach, taking my breath away.

I felt myself being pulled up from the floor and the air being squeezed inch my inch from my lungs. Little black and white spots were dancing in front of my eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was a vision but I thought I could make out Willow’s form as the darkness set in.

‘I’m sorry’ was the last thing I remember saying to the figure as the darkness filled my eyes.

Revelations

2003-09-03T14:48:57Z

I had a feeling something was up when Miss Kitty came scampering out of the bedroom. As much as she tries to look all nonchalant, Kitty loves Willow over me…and I can accept that. They bonded instantaneously – All that time ago in my dorm, with the ball of string and auditions for Drama class and I knew it was love for both of them.

So when Kitty sauntered out as soon as she had stepped in, I knew something was bothering Willow, and usually she shared things with me. I didn’t want to approach my gut feeling straight off though. It had been a long and tough day for Willow and I just didn’t feel twenty questions was the way to go. I figured a hug and rest would aid the healing process. It was our unofficial remedy to all the world’s evils.

I sat down beside her on the bed, I could see her brain was working serious overtime and her brow was a little furrowed. We made very little conversation, it just felt weird. So many nights since we’ve been together we would use this quiet time to bare our souls to each other. But this time she kept it locked away, I could see in her eyes that she was on the edge of something, but what could it be? We found her, we saved her, admittedly with a few cuts and bruises on the way but for the most part of the evening she seemed slowly to be recovering from her ordeal.

I leaned across the bed to kiss her and she pulled away, my heart sank so far in my chest I didn’t think I could ever catch my breath. I could feel the cold sweat over me and my lungs constricting. She didn’t want me to be near her. Before I had even thought about it I asked her if something was wrong. There had to be something wrong, right? I had to believe that she still loved me and there was something else causing her to be this way.

She must have caught that look of sheer terror in my eyes…she sat there and apologised to me but I just couldn’t be there, I had to get myself together and the only way to do that was to be on my own. I told her that I needed to clean up the kitchen and she nodded and turned over to go to sleep.

I don’t know how long I sat there at the table, staring aimlessly out of the window into the night; I just couldn’t stop replaying the whole thing in my head – my own personal torture. Didn’t she want me anymore? Was it because I couldn’t protect her? Did she just fall out of love with me just like that? I began to shake my head, closing my eyes when I heard the scream from the bedroom.

I rushed in to see Willow crying and shaking, I ran to the edge of the bed and tried to put my arms around her, but she pushed me away. Damn it! I wasn’t going to let her keep pushing me away. I put my arms around her a second time let her resist me until she stopped thrashing and refused to let her go. We were both there, huddled together – both lost and afraid yet some how impossibly together. I promised I’d share the rest of my life with her and that meant seeing it through all the hard times ahead.

She kept mumbling that it hurt and that Spike had hurt her, I made my mind up then that I would find Spike and pay him a little visit, on my own…one day…when he’d forgotten and when I was a little more focused and powerful.
But although I was angry that Spike had dared to cause Willow pain of any sort I had no idea that even all the mad thoughts of what had happened that day to Willow, was no way near the extent to Spike’s involvement or cruelty.

I stroked Willow’s hair as she sobbed into my arms and told her it was only a dream, but even I knew that this was something far worse. I could hear her sobs slowing and her weight pressing into me and knew she was slowly drifting into sleep. I lowered down to the pillows and covered her with the blanket. I lay there beside her just keeping a watchful eye over her.

She didn’t sleep soundly at all, her brow furrowed and pensive. I ran my fingers gently through her hair, hoping that maybe even this light touch could bring her some comfort. I wished I could have done more for her, but I could only wait until she would let me in. I drifted off for an hour or two but woke again before Willow started shifting in her sleep some more.

She woke and called my name. I smiled gently.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” She said wearily.

I shook my head. “No, I’ve been awake for a while.”

Then like she’d just woken up and remembered she tried to get up and away from me. I did my best to reassure her, telling her she should do what she wanted if it would make her feel better. I tried to get her to talk to me but she didn’t want to. I cursed myself inside, because I knew that I should be patient. I offered her an alternative.

“How about if I give you a hug...is that a start to feeling a little more comfortable?” I waited before I approached, the last thing I wanted to do was to scare her back to pushing me away from her.

“A hug..that..that would be nice.” She said and let me put my arms around her. My heart sighed, at the warmth and the connection. Every time I touch her I always feel that same electricity.

We sat there and whispered conversation to each other in the dark. Talk of what the world could be like outside of Sunnydale.

“Sometimes I think it would be nice to just see what it would be like to be somewhere not so close to the Hellmouth. Do you think the grass would be greener?” I said.

Willow shrugged. “I don't know, I mean I could've gone away to school, and I thought about leaving Sunnydale but then I thought I wouldn't have met you and who knows. But maybe. Or maybe it's just more mossy.”

I smiled a little, a little Willowbabble and I knew things were beginning to come back on track.

“We should get away from Sunnydale for a while, just you know…for a bit?” I said, trying to gage any kind of reaction. But Willow changed the subject.
I could just make out through the darkness, Willow’s eyes raised to the ceiling. “Have you told Buffy about..you know..what happened?”

I shook my head. “I figure you should tell people if and when you want them to know Will. I’m here with the big ole support wagon.”

Her eyes turned back to me. “I know and you are so doing the support gal thing really well. I don't know what I'd do without you.”

Immediately I remembered the weekend I had gone out of town with the Art History Class. “You'd probably forget to eat.”

“Eating? What's..that?” She grinned sheepishly, obviously having the same memory as mine.

We giggled for a little while and I could see that Willow was beginning to relax a little more. It warmed my heart. Everything had hit her so hard and I had no idea how hard originally.

“So...I guess. We’ll get past this huh?” Willow asked, cautiously.

I looked her in the eyes. “Yes, a resounding yes.”

I noticed her shoulders tense up a little. “How, how are we going to get past this?”

“We're going to carry on like we do every day...one foot in front of the other, laugh in the face of danger as Xander would say and end up reading stacks of musty old books, together, probably until we’re at least half as old as some of them.”

“Can we skip the books?” Willow said with an automatic pout.

I nodded with a smirk. “Totally - I never end up reading them anyway.”

“I know, I just look at the pictures mostly.” Willow sighed as if giving away some terrible secret.

“I’m too busy looking at you looking at the pictures, pretending not to notice I’m looking at you.” I smiled.

Willow frowned a little. She felt uncomfortable with herself, I could see that. I pulled her close to me and rested her head just above my heart.

“You feel like home.” Willow sighed.

I knew something big was going to happen; her breathing changed and became more ragged. Then she lifted her head and began to shift way across bed like taking comfort in me was wrong. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to know what else was going on in her mind. I told her that I needed her to tell me, to let me in.

“I’m....sorry Tara..I’m trying...trying to do all I can..I'll do more..I promise, I will...I'll get over this silly thing and ..I promise to do better.” She said with tears filling her eyes.

I reached out for her hand before she had a chance to get up and leave and I wasn’t willing to let go any time soon. “No, this isn't a silly thing to get over - I understand that. I don't want you to do better. I just don't want you to walk away when you feel it's too much. Talk to me Will.”

“But...this is ..so hard for me to get out.” She looked down at my hand over hers.

“Say it exactly how it is up there.” I pointed to her head and her eyes followed before she gulped.

“I feel .. like something in me changed. Like something I didn't want to. Like it was taken away. Stolen. Like if I could've just..broken away I could've had a chance. Like I have to stop being so reliant on others.” Willow shifted and I watched the shadows change on her face as she frowned.

“If I could just, you know figure this out the way out, I could get there. I love you and I don't want to push you away. I fear like I'm going to. Like it's all going to be permanently jumbled forever and it’s never going to be clear. I don't know how to make it go poof. I don't... know how to make it better. I know magic can't, I don't know anymore, like what's real.” She stopped and I squeezed on her hand.

She clenched her jaw, trying to hold herself together before she continued. “I know you are, but I feel like I'm just, falling apart. I feel like Willow's gone somewhere dark. I need out.”

“Then let it out, all of it...you'll be safe because I'll be here.” I said, my hand gently holding her face.

“It..was..so..so..bad..It..was horrible, He... held me down and... I couldn't move..and..”

I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to not to cry. Suddenly it was all becoming far too clear, How could I have missed it? I wasn’t sure I wanted her to continue, I didn’t want to hear it – but I was being selfish. She needed this...and she needed me to be here for her and hear it. I spoke gently, with a little quiver in my voice. “And?”

“He like..tore at my clothes.. I mean..ok so vampires do that all the time. But..he wouldn't...stop and I pounded at him.... I ...tried to use my mind to like....I don't know move something heavy on his head but I couldn't..my thoughts were too scattered.” She stopped, to gather herself together as tears streamed down her face.

I didn’t ask permission, I pulled her close to me and wrapped my arms round her tightly.

“So.. I closed my eyes tight, as tight as they would go and... tried to think of something happy instead..you know like funny shaped pancakes..but..that didn't work and he..uhhh.” She sniffed and swallowed loudly.
“He started to touch me and…and covered my mouth so I couldn't scream and... then...I saw an empty wine bottle on the floor and I...managed to raise it with my mind…I hit him with it. He fell, which was kind of funny and he passed out but I was kind of half naked and cold.” She shrugged into me and almost let out a terrified laugh.

“Eventually he woke up and didn't remember too much what he did, just that he wanted to tie me up again and so he did.” She was shaking violently.

I leaned back against the headboard clutching Willow as close to me as I could and gathered the blanket with one hand. I placed it over her and ran my hand down her shoulder and arm.

“I promise I will never let anything like that happen to you again.”

We must have fallen asleep tangled together like that with ‘I love yous’ and tears. The next thing I remember was waking up alone, the sun just starting to filter in through the window. I panicked a little as I remembered the revelations from the night before. I got up and grabbed my robe – throwing it on and fastening it as I made my way out to the back door. I cursed as stood on a tiny piece of glass I managed to miss from cleaning up. I looked up to see the back door was wide open. For some reason I felt a calm fall over me, I knew Willow was near and it stilled my panic. I approached the back door quietly, looking out side across the porch and onto the grass.

Willow was standing in the middle of the grass, her back mostly to me staring at a large oak tree in the garden. I leaned against the door frame and watched her. The tree began to smoke and quickly caught fire. I cleared my throat.

“You know, the neighbors will complain…”

She turned to me in one smooth motion and I could see her eyes were the color of charcoal. They looked almost lifeless. I tried not to show my fright.

“Willow doesn’t care.” She said with a little growl.

I crossed my arms.

She tilted her head and gave me a cruel grin. “What?”

“So is this how it’s going to be?” I said.

Willow’s face dropped back to icy cold. “Leave me alone. I’m dead anyway.” She turned back to the tree.

“You're dead?” I said with a little anger in my voice. I was beginning to hurt. All the support I had tried to give seemed to have been wasted.

Willow shifted opening and clenching her fist repeatedly before answering. “Feels like it.”
I was angry now; I lifted myself away from the door frame and stepped out onto the porch. “So this is a 'wish I was' without actually saying it thing? Because it’s not funny Willow.”

With her back still to me she shrugged. “Who’s laughing?”

“It must be me then? Doing ALL the laughing?!” I said, hurting.

She stormed off across the grass and closer to the tree. “You don’t understand.”

I stepped out with bare feet onto the dewy grass and took a deep breath of the cool morning air, closing my eyes and trying to find my calm – like Mamma had shown me when I was younger.

“I can’t be here for you if you’re going to hold it all in again.” I said gently.

Willow had sat down on the grass and was concentrating on a twig in front of her. She tried to float it, but it was unsteady. She clenched her fists and tried to focus before letting out a yelp of frustration and pain. The twig flew violently across the garden and hit the fence before dropping to the floor. I slowly approached her slumped form and placed a hand on her shoulder. She turned her head and looked at me – her dark eyes changing back to emeralds.

“I can’t do this.” She sobbed. “I can’t control it all.”

“Yes you can.” I sat down next to her on the grass. I closed my eyes and focused on the twig Willow had been floating before. The twig raised itself from the floor. “We can do this together.” I extended my hand.

“What? Float the twig?...Cos, well you’re alr..” Willow began.

“I thought you might want to do something crazy with it…like make it dance like Fred Astaire?”

“I don't know..Maybe it'll become kind of sharp and pointy?!” Willow exclaimed.

I grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

Willow sighed. “Okay, but I’m closing my eyes now so if it turns into some big ol spear and launches itself at us, not going to be able to see it.”

We sat there, holding hands on the grass. I felt Willow’s breathing become synchronized with mine. I knew she had become relaxed and opened my eyes. The twig was twirling like baton in a figure eight motion. I smiled and looked across to Willow. Her eyes were still closed and she had the tiniest knot across her brow as she concentrated. I tucked some stray red hair anyway from her face and behind her ear. She opened one eye cautiously squinting at me and I smiled. Then I tilted my head in the direction of the twig, raising my eyebrows. She turned and opened both eyes. Smiling, she concentrated a little harder – changing the twig’s spin direction.

The twig began to float across the grass to us. With one last effort, Willow lowered the twig to the floor. She collapsed back on the grass sweating and giggling.

“Well I know I turned out to be the tree hugging hippie my Daddy had nightmares about, but my ass is getting cold out here...what say we go back inside?” I asked.

She nodded and sat up. “Okay…if you think I won’t destroy the couch, with a mere look.”

I shook my head with a smile and stood up, pulling Willow up with me and we headed inside. We were both greeted by Miss Kitty at the door. Willow picked her up, made a fuss and we went inside. We sat and had breakfast, mostly in silence watching Kitty practice her hunting skills on a moth in the living room.

Willow suddenly broke the silence. “Maybe we should take that trip, you know? Away from here?”

“Then let’s go, pack some stuff up and we’ll go right now.” I was pleased that she hadn’t ignored my question last night. I felt that maybe, this was the best thing to do.
She nodded her head and got up from the table. When Willow went to pack the bags I picked up the phone and dialed Buffy’s number.

Reap what you sow

2003-08-22T23:57:47Z

You know I just can’t take it anymore; I’m not going to let a young girl ruin my happiness. A hex, yes a hex – that’ll do it, teach her a thing or too, you shouldn’t mess with people and their happiness. The conversation with Buffy has cleared it up for me. She’s evil, that’s right – Dawn is evil, she’s been infected with some nasty condition that sucks the love from her heart and soul and now she wants to infect all of us.

NO. I have to get back to loving Willow, and the others

Buffy told me we’ll have to destroy her, put her down like a dog…it’s the only humane thing to do, Isn’t it?…put us out of our misery. To think I wasted all my time to give her my love as a guardian and a friend…And now so abruptly I’ve stopped receiving it back, gratitude huh?

Willow,…my sweet considerate Willow found out that Xander is acting just like Dawnie, but I fear its too late to save him without hurting him, the infection is spreading and we have to do something about it. Sweet, considerate, sexy Willow has come up with a plan to take out the thing that is now Xander, the uncompassionate evil that now twists his judgement from love to unhappiness. Maybe we can separate the evil inside him.

They will be stopped. My beloved Willow is taking care of Xander and I’m formulating a plan to finish Dawn once and for all. She’ll suffer a broken heart, that’ll be her punishment…for all the love and compassion that I have wasted on her…will be more pain to fuel the anguish of her heart.

Now I just need to be closer to her when I cast to make the suffering extreme….

Winding Down

2003-08-18T21:03:45Z

EM

Arms, legs and heads.

All over the floor. Littering the crypt, we were up to our knees in them.

I mean you’ve heard of lizards like the Blue-tailed Skink that can shed their tails to distract predators whilst they make a speedy escape, right? Well, the lizard guys shed

Arms, legs and heads.

But not voluntarily…oh no…we hacked them off. Which really is incredibly gross and messy, and I loved my shirt, I’ve had it for years…Willow bought it for me – but I think I’m gonna have to burn it. But the worst part of it all? The bits continued to wriggle around all over the floor, for ages. Buffy wrinkled her nose at the sight of the wriggling appendages.

“Well that easily beats anything I’ve ever seen to the crown of YUCK.” Buffy snorted as she prodded at one of the waving arms with the tip of her shoe.

Willow tried her best to brush herself only to run her hand through more slime and spread it further over sweater. “EWW still a contender if you ask me.” I felt a smile tug at the corner of my mouth. My Willow, my beautiful best friend – for the most part unharmed and still showing her humor. Oh happy day.

I heard an ‘Argh’ next to me as I turned to see Buffy lift her foot, the long trails of slime hanging from underneath.

“That’s why I started wearing cheap sneakers for patrol with ya.” I giggled; she grimaced and rolled her eyes at me. “Not easing the pain of my wallet, smarty pants. There were Italian!”

Willow raised a brow and tipped her head. “Okay, American Italian.” Buffy offered.

Willow crossed her arms and Buffy pouted. “Look the guy in the back of the truck said they were very expensive and I was getting a bargain and he totally looked like one of the Sopranos!”

I put my arms around Willow, holding her tight. “Okay you know you’ve just covered yourself in ick now don’t you?” I heard her mumble into my neck. “Don’t care.” I replied.

Buffy joined in our hug. “You know you had us worried there Will.”

“Very worried and totally crazy.” I added.

Buffy squeezed a little tighter. “Uh huh, I’ll never go near your girlfriend when she’s holding that crossbow Will.” Buffy lifted her head and looked at me with a sweet smile. She stepped back. “Where were your Merry Men hiding, Ms Hood?”

“All looking for Merry Women, cos they weren’t going to get any from me.” I replied with a smirk.
I could feel Willow stifling a giggle. Buffy’s eyes widened playfully. “Tara! You’re so innocent and pure; please don’t destroy all I hold dear!”

Willow snorted, her face still buried into my neck. “You really have no idea.”

I playfully dramatized my hurt look and she pulled away grinning.

Buffy turned and headed for the door. “We should get back, Xander and Dawn are probably arguing over what to watch on TV again.”

“I think Xander was right though, Sesame Street. You’ve got to go with the classics right?” Willow stated. “Elmo…now there’s a role model.”

We walked back to Buffy’s just like the old days, slightly worse for wear after a night out.

“What do you mean, you’re not getting smooched by anyone?!” Willow looked incredulously at Buffy.

Buffy shrugged. “I guess, I’m not too worried about having a guy around, I have Xander around most of the time and I just pretend I can’t open lids on jars just so he feels useful.”

“Well go you, Miss Independence – go out solo and have a wild kick ass time” A wicked grin appeared on Willow’s face. “Then when you’ve finished patrol…you could go out and actually have some fun.” Buffy playfully swatted Willow and we carried on to the house.

We stepped through the door, Xander and Dawn at the door waiting for any sign of Willow. They pounced on her ask soon as they locked eyes on her. She was lost in the middle of their bear hug, after the initial shock, Willow smiled sheepishly.

“I knew you’d be okay.” Xander whispered, before he placed a kiss on her forehead. He then turned to me, still gripping on tightly before raising a brow.

I smiled before nodding. “She gave him hell. Just like you said.”

After much fussing and chatter, Xander decided whilst we were all together again, he would host one of his fun and game nights at Buffy’s.

Dawn huffed as she watched the dice roll across the table and stopped on a two. “Geez now I have to start all over, damn your spear trap Buffy!” Xander cackled at Dawn’s demise.

“Some how I wasn’t really imagining a whole night of Dungeons and Dragons as the fun and games you implied earlier. I’m pretty sure I had visions of putting on my best shoes and a hot steppin’ at the Bronze.” Willow pouted. “Remember that place we always go to…The Bronze?”

“Awww, c’mon Wills – you’re diggin’ it.” Xander laughed.
Dawn giggled. “Diggin’ it? What are you, early 90’s boy?”

Buffy picked up the dice. “Yeah nothing better than winding down from a night of monster bashing …with……imaginary monster bashing. Besides Willow barely understands the rules and she’s the brains around here!”

Willow nodded thumbing through the second volume of the game manual. “I will never moan about research again, ever. I’ll be totally studious, no distractions.” She turned to me with a smirk.

Xander also turned to me, I remember the day he caught Willow and I being ‘studious’ together in the training room, alone. The research material long discarded as well as a few clothes and I tell you, that boy put my blushing to shame. It certainly wasn’t the reaction I would have expected from him and I tried not to laugh when he fell over the horse because his hand was too closely held over his eyes. I smiled at the memory.

“Don’t you think it makes it scary though? Knowing that at least half of these beasties are real.” Xander said, trying to change the subject and looking decidedly pink.

Buffy shook her head as she watched Xander swiftly rearranged the playing board. “No, what I find scary is that you’re the Dungeon Master cos I know how much you cheat.”

“Am not!” He protested.

Dawn countered in her best childish voice. “Are too!”

“Ahem. Do you want me to separate you two?” I offered.

Xander turned to me, rubbing his hands together. “Okay Tare, roll that dice, I want to see what that ‘Walter the wizard’ you got there will do next. Being a wizard with staff like that must really attract the chicks.”

“Yay me.” I said with a smirk.

Not everything is cured with ice cream

2003-08-02T13:28:01Z

SC

So finally, with much stalling and minor upset I got out of bed. The last couple of days have been filled to the brim with love for Willow, so moving had definitely not been an option. I wonder if everyone else is as happy and in love with each other as we are? I’m thinking of us getting married; having tons of children and even getting matching hers and hers sweaters and raincoats. That would really show everyone how much we are in love with each other wouldn’t it?

Willow went over to Xander’s this morning. He’s not been his chipper self recently at all; Willow thought that she should find out why he’s not with the happies. That’s so typical of her you know. Always thoughtful and caring about others needs like that and she totally takes care of mine as well - the naughty vixen.

I decided to go out on a shopping trip with Dawnie; we’re both in need for school and college supplies. We went to the mall; the people are so friendly there you know? I kept stopping and talking to the people we passed, they were just as happy and smiley as I was. I know that most of them are supposed to be happy and helpful, greeting customers and all but I totally felt special. Like each one was a brand new friend for me to love and cherish.

We bought loads of things for Dawnie and sat down to have lunch. I couldn’t understand it though. I bought her a massive chocolate Sundae even though she’d barely touched her salad and she didn’t even look at it.

“Dawnie, what’s the matter?” I asked tentatively.

She looked at me paused thinking for a moment before continuing, playing with the napkin and looking at the table. “What’s going on with everybody?”

I took a sip of my drink. “What do you mean?”

“Are you guys trying to keep something from me? You’re all being extra nice...like when Mom died…”

My eyes went wide. “We’re not keeping anything from you Dawn honey, we’re just happy.” I dipped my head to look catch her eye as she was staring at the tablecloth like something fascinating was on it. “Don’t you want to be happy too?”

She looked up at me. “I am happy.”

“But you haven’t even given me a hug today? I practically had to force the cereal out of your hand to get one this morning.” I said, remembering the little twinge of hurt I had felt this morning when Dawn had pretty much shunned me.

“I’m sorry Tara, really – I didn’t mean to I was just being a grumpy head, what with just waking up and all.”

I started to cry, I didn’t mean to – but I could feel the tears running down my face. “Don’t you l-l-love me Dawnie?”

“Of course I do!” She said hurriedly. “When Buffy…wasn’t here you and the others looked after me and kept me safe. Please don’t cry. I just don’t understand why you guys are having such a major malfunction at the moment.” She placed a hand on mine.

“What do you mean?!” I said, with a little more sternness in my voice than I would have liked.

She bit the inside of her cheek. “Well you…and Willow have pretty much been joined at the face not to mention other places I know I shouldn’t have seen with my young adult eyes recently, which isn’t you – well okay the loveiness is but I’ve never actually seen you two use so much tongue in public before! Buffy’s actually being totally cool with me ALL the time and she’s my sister so she’s supposed to be completely sucky. And Faith is…well...Faith has been taken over by the Care Bear body snatchers or something equally as icky and sweet!”

“I think you’re being totally unfair Dawn, we all love you and we want to show it. We love each other and we want to show it to the whole world. You don’t want to be part of that no matter how hard we try and no one comes between our happiness!”

She looked at me with sheer terror. If I had been sat looking at me having my outburst – I know I would have totally looked at me like that too. I seldom lose my temper over anything but I just couldn’t control the raw passion and emotion I was feeling. Dawn was wrong, she should be as happy as we are, even if I had to make her. If I could have just though of that spell…

What was I thinking?! Trying to MAKE her happy with a spell?! That wouldn’t do, such an abuse of magic like that would be a …

Waste.

Instead I got up and left her there with her untouched Sundae, blinking like mad.
I charged all the way home.

“Anyone home?” I shouted as I walked through the front door.

“In the kitchen.” Came a reply. I walked through to the kitchen and found Buffy there pouring herself some orange juice. “Hey Tara.” She ran over and gave me a hug. I started to feel a little better. I didn’t like the feelings of hurt or upset but I just couldn’t shift them from my mind.

“So what’s up?” She asked putting down a second cup to pour me a drink. ‘How sweet’ I thought, ‘getting me a drink.’ I smiled at her and thanked her.

“Hey, weren’t you out with Dawn? Did you manage to get everything you needed?”
My smile faded and I felt a new emotion sweep over me, and I didn’t like this one at all. Betrayal.

“I think we need to have a chat about Dawnie.” I stated grimly.

I've got a Crossbow, just show me where to point it

2003-07-30T21:50:00Z

EM

The demons were closing down on us from all sides. Fight or Flight time and seeing as we were nowhere near finding Willow, flight was not an option.

“Okay so this wasn’t exactly how I visualised my game of Uno with Dawn and my hot cocoa before a nice early night.” Buffy sighed then shrugged. “Oh well, just call me poseable Evil action fighting Buffy.”

I nodded, tightening my grip on the crossbow – breathing heavily. The situation didn’t look good in anyway. The odds were particularly well stacked up for the lizard men. But Buffy’s the slayer and …well I was pretty much just pissed.

The closest Lizard jumped straight for Buffy, claws and teeth bared. Buffy sidestepped it and watched it sprawl across the grass, kicking it in the ass for good measure. The next two rushed me, one furiously swinging at my head. I ducked and shot a bolt into the throat of the second, then used the crossbow to hit the first one around the head, repeatedly. I got a smile and a raised triumphant fist from Buffy at my handiwork.

The second wave of Lizards stepped forward, there must have been ten or twelve in this pack and they certainly looked a lot fiercer than first group. I nodded – my attention on the group just behind the slayer. “Okay we’re forgetting about the Lizard men; let’s focus on the Lizard men.”

One jumped onto Buffy’s back and she flipped it over before stomping her boot into its throat. Its last movements were a combination of twitches and minute gurgles before it slumped. I took out the second with another bolt. But they just kept coming. One grabbed my arm and squeezed tightly on my bandages and I yelped in pain. I turned into the lizards hold and pressed a palm flat into its torso. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the pain from my forearm and focus on the palm. The lizard screeched and let go of me, the place where my hand had been was scorched and blackened.

“Neat, …I’ve heard Will call you hot lips under her breath before but I had no idea it extended further.” Buffy shouted over the hissing with a smirk and a waggle of the eye brows. I blushed just a little then grinned back.

Buffy swung a roundhouse kick to the next, connecting with the creature’s chin with a crunch, throwing it backwards into the path of two more. I prepared to fire another bolt into the chest of the next oncoming but was unaware of the one by the side me – knocking me off of my feet, the bolt hit the Lizard in front in the ankle and it hissed before pulling the bolt out and limping away to the bushes. I rolled as the next pounced. Buffy leapt through the air and knocked it flying from me and into a headstone, smashing it in two.

“You okay?” Buffy asked a concerned look on her face. She offered me a hand. I nodded, brushing off the grass and leaves and trying desperately to catch my breath. “We should head out and find Willow.” She edged.

“We can follow that.” I nodded to the bushes where the Lizard I had caught in the ankle was nursing its wounds. Buffy smiled and silently motioned to me to approach from one side whilst she took the other. When we were close enough she rushed into the bushes, chasing out the Lizard.

We let it get ahead of us, but we weren’t concerned as it was leaving a trail of blood for us to follow. On our journey we would see it every so often hunched over, trying to gnaw at its own damaged appendage completely unaware we were tracking it. Finally we ended up in the cemetery across town. It stopped, curiously sniffing the air around it before disappearing under a crypt. We waited for it to slide down the oversized and partially concealed rabbit hole before we approached. Buffy peered into the hole.

“Can’t see a damn thing…Oh well.” She dived into the entrance. I held my breath for the longest of moments before Buffy reappeared, popping her head up and startling me.

I lowered my head a little to have a look for myself. “What’s down there?”

“Apart from a really rank stench and piles of animal bones?”

I nodded in anticipating her answer.

“A really long tunnel that I’m thinking is going to take us just where we wanna be.”

I raised a brow quizzically. “Just call me Ms Big-with- the-intuition.” She shrugged.

Pulling the crossbow’s strap over my head I jumped down into the entrance and crouched, the tunnel was barely tall enough for us to stoop in and suddenly I felt more than a little claustrophobic as little lines of dirt fell from above my head. Buffy rustled around in her pocket and pulled out a tiny pen light, she held it in her mouth, biting down and securing it with her teeth. She started to crawl forward, pushing the broadsword just in front of her. I followed.

We clawed through the tunnel for about an hour before it seemed to widen. There was noise, but I couldn’t see anything in front of us. We both climbed out of the tunnel and looked around to find ourselves in a dark cavernous space. I turned and caught a glimpse of light just to the right of us. I motioned to Buffy who brushed herself off a little before taking the light from her mouth and shining it to the direction I was pointing. There was a metal step ladder leading up about eight or nine foot to another chamber. I started cautiously up the steps. There were candles burning in this area and the noises were much louder.

The hissed became clearer. There was an arch leading into another area so I moved quickly to the wall to remain concealed from the next room, mostly hidden by the darkened corner of the new cavern. Buffy reached the top of the ladder and paused, dropping her head slightly from the hole and began to watch the sight before us.

The lizard was crouched at the other end of the room, shaking its head in some sort of communication with someone, but I couldn’t see who. A cigarette butt was thrown to the floor.

“On their way?....perfect…see Red, your friends as predictable as ever. Should have nicked myself a bottle of something nice and strong cos it looks like I’ll be celebrating tonight.”

And then I saw here, curled on the floor, her jaw set in a determined and firm line. My Willow, I could see the tracks of tears on her dirty face, her hands tied together with rope. All I wanted to do was to go to her and hold her. I looked to Buffy, she shook her head and leapt from the steps and hid next to me.

“Oh for Bloody hell’s sake, will you stop chewing on that! It’s disgusting, you’ve done your bit now sod off!” Spike growled at the lizard tearing chunks out of it’s own leg around it’s wound. I felt my stomach turn just at the sounds.

Willow waited for Spike’s attention to be focused on the Lizard and pushed herself up from the floor, Spike turned and she kicked him as hard as she could swing in the shin. He howled in pain. Buffy turned to me and smiled before mouthing ‘just like Xander said.’

Then we burst through to the next room.

Feelin' good

2003-07-19T19:15:59Z

SC

A trip to the Bronze pretty much well deserved after all the recent events. I mean the Bronze – you gotta love that place right?

So the whole Scooby troop were there, a band called Mystic Twist were playing – I hadn’t heard of them before but they were really good. Buffy and Faith went off to dance and seemed to be having a great time …ahem ‘getting down’ to the music. Normally I’d have been a little embarrassed to have caught them in such an intimate moments together on the dance floor but for some reason I wasn’t. I felt totally calm and peaceful and very very happy, if not feeling a little bit of a voyeur when Faith caught me watching and gave me a wink.

Anya and Cordelia were the next up to dance. My gaze followed them out to the floor. They looked just as happy as I felt and talk about cute...giggling away with each other - I really love those guys! Eventually, when I could tear myself away I brought my attention back to the table and my drink, looking up and realising that Xander and Dawn were gone. I figured they must have been out there dancing too. Willow sat down across the table with a drink and smiled at me. Her smile grew wider and before I knew it she was dragging me to my feet for a dance. It kinda threw me a little, usually she’s the more stay at the table and play footsie with me type of girl but clearly the mission statement was dancing. And when a beautiful woman asks you to dance, it’s rude not to isn’t it?

We did our little bop and jive to the upbeat tune playing, but my eyes were locked on to her all the way through the song. The song finished and Willow pulled me towards her and kissed me. My heart fluttered, it reminded me of the very first time she’d kissed me…I’d been totally unprepared and my body had felt heavy as my legs went to jelly and my head felt so light. “I love you baby, I love you so much.” She said.

“I love you too sweetie.” I replied. I turned round to see Anya and Cordelia; Willow threw herself into a hug with both of them. We were all giggly and happy. Wow I was just feeling great. These people are my best friends, and we’re all here having the best time. Finally for a moment Buffy and Faith uncoupled themselves, Willow let go of Anya and Cordelia and Faith grabbed Willow for a hug, awwww it’s just beautiful. I held Buffy close. “I love you Tara, you guys are my big happy family…you know that right?”

I nodded and hugged her again before catching sight of Mr Giles at the bar. I decided to go over and talk to him. “Hey Mr Giles, you having fun?” I grinned at him, he looked great in a shirt and trousers instead of the tweed…in fact he was rather handsome.

“Most definitely, …and Tara?”

“Yes?” I raised a brow

“Call me Rupert.”

“Okay…Rupert.” I said – it sounded strange at first but when he smiled back I felt much better. I hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek before the band started and I went to find the others. I turned and waved to him, he waved back and then a young girl asked him to dance. If only he’d been my father instead of the ogre I had, well not literally but I’m sure I could work on it. But the more I thought about it the more I loved my dad; I mean he thought he was protecting me from the outside world. He wasn’t so bad; maybe I should call him and tell him I loved him?

I noticed that the dance floor was beginning to fill as the band played something a little slower, with a low growling bass line pounding through my rib cage and rumbling under my feet. I felt something stirring, an uncomfortable ache, of being on my own, it was growing and was became a lot more demanding than the love I had been feeling moments before. I recognised it instantly…Naughty Tara was about to make an appearance. I looked for Willow who was still gripping onto Faith and Buffy for dear life. I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned.

“May I have this dance?” I smiled at her charmingly and held out a hand. She smiled back at me and took my hand, leading us into the middle of the heaving dance floor. I pulled her close, I wanted to feel her as close to me as possible. Then it just felt like the two of us. She placed one hand between my shoulder blades and the other just resting on my lower back. Just her simple touch was driving me wild, like fire surging through my veins. She ran her delicate fingers across my shoulders and rested her head into my neck.

I could feel the desire building inside, I tried to keep a grip on myself but her warm breath on my throat was driving me wild. Did she know what she was doing to me? I had to show her. I ran my hand from its position buried in her hair slowly down her back, grazing my fingernails through the soft material of her shirt. She shivered and pulled back a little, looking me in the eyes – she began making little circles with her fingers on my back.

I wanted her there and then, whether the room was full of people or not and I knew that this wasn’t me. Me is a chased kiss, a brush of the shoulder as we pass, long dreamy googly eyes at each other, holding hands in public places. I’m still pretty shy around crowds. This me was turned on to about 200 and was cooking pretty well, the feeling wasn’t going away any time soon – and I didn’t seem to care. This was the me I kept reserved for Willow and for Willow only.

Was anyone else even paying attention to us? No.

I leaned in and began placing slow lingering kisses along the milky white skin of her neck, she let out a sigh and her body clung tighter to me. The music ended far too soon abut I wasn’t going to stop, I playfully bit her neck and she let out a whimper.

“T-Tara?”

“Mmm?” I replied as I kissed the place I could feel her pulse pounding through the delicate skin on her neck.

“You’re such a Vixen!”

I certainly felt like one, so I tried to snap out of my lusted frenzy. I didn’t seem to have any self control, and strangely I loved it. I pulled away to look at her, worried that maybe I’d gone too far, maybe she felt uncomfortable? She was wearing a frown and almost a hurt look on her face. I knew I’d pushed too far, I knew I should have felt bad about it…but after all those doubts all I could think about was continuing. She opened her mouth to speak, would she understand that I just couldn’t help myself?

“So, er..Do you wanna go hang out by the sofas…in the corner, in the dark…just you and me, wow it’s hot, isn’t it hot? Don’t you think it’s hot?”

I grinned, but shook my head slowly. She looked very uncomfortable – almost hopping from one foot to the other.

“You want to stay right here? With the people around us, maybe watching us…?” Willow’s voice trailed off into a high pitched squeak. I grinned a little more and shook my head again. I watched her eyes go wide and she grabbed my hand. With a tug she led me back to the table, the others still all laughing and hugging.

“We have to go, really bad migraine…Tara feels pretty sick...so we should…well right now actually. See you at home. But we love all you guys.” Willow barely stopped enough to get it all out. I shrugged and waved, I just knew I had a huge smirk across my face.

The journey back to Buffy’s house was probably one of the most indirect routes I’ve ever taken. The cool air hit the gentle sheen of perspiration on my skin making it tingle. We bumped into trash cans, walls and at one point leaning against a street lamp – tangled up in each other, with long deep kisses, arms feverishly running the length of each other, like we were rediscovering ourselves.

We finally made it home; Willow leaned against the door gasping for air. “Tara baby – are you okay? I mean wow, what’s come over you?”

I smirked and she blushed. “It’s a little early for the naughty one liners Will, We’re just getting started!”

I fumbled with the key in the lock, almost beginning to lose my temper until Willow began to press her knee into my….Oh Goddess, I leaned into the door – it swung open and we both ended up in a heap on the floor.

We looked around us. “Dawn? Buffy? Faith? Anyone?” Willow shouted and waited.

No answer

Willow looked at me with a grin.” How long do you think before they get back?”

“Not long.” I’d made a point of saying as little as possible. I stood and held out my hand to pick Willow up from the floor. I cleared my throat. “Well there’s something that’s been bothering me all night.” I followed it with a heavy sigh.

Willow looked puzzled. “What? Is it me? Did I do something…not really used to …Am I not a good girlfriend?...Is this a begging type of situation?...”

I held a finger to her lips and watched her brows furrow.
“No, no, no and no….Clothes….absolutely have to come off, can’t stand it any longer.” I said.

“Want a hand removing them?” She winked.

“Oh no…you first, I insist.” I nodded and she laughed. “Oh and Willow?”

“Yeah?”

“Think you could do that little dance again?”

She started grinning from ear to ear and began to unbutton her shirt, very, very slowly whilst backing up the stairs.

She's gone

2003-07-16T23:56:38Z

EM

I lay there dazed, something had just happened – I knew that much. The back of my head hurt really badly. I couldn’t remember, I reached up to feel the back of my head and...Ouchie! My arm started nagging for attention too. I looked down and blood was dripping down my forearm and onto the cold kitchen floor. ‘Wait, I’m sitting on the kitchen floor? When did I decide to do that? Well getting up now any how’ I placed my other arm out and put all my weight on my palm. There was glass everywhere, but by the time I had noticed I had already ground a few nicely sized pieces into my palm. I winced.

OH GODDESS! Then it hit me – all of it, I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until every vain in my head started pounding. I remembered the muffled scream, the hissing, running to the back door – the bottles for collection tipping over and smashing and the door being kicked, knocking it with a bang full swing on the hinges before it collided with the wall, shattering the glass from the window all over me and the kitchen. I started calling out. “WILLOW?” But there as no answer. I held onto the side of the counter and pulled myself unto my feet and grabbed the phone of its cradle on the wall.

I dialled the number and held the phone to my ear with my shoulder while I tried to remove as much glass from my arm as I could, before grabbing a towel from the pile of clean washing in the basket and pressing it firmly to my arm. Buffy answered the phone.

“It’s T-tara, ….Willow’s gone….I mean she was taken….monsters came…I don’t know where she is…”

Buffy’s voice was calm and soothing. “Tara, I need you to slow down. You say Willow’s been taken?”

“Yes.” I whispered as I felt the first tear slide down my cheek.

“Are you at home?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t move I’m on my way over!” The phone went dead.

I wasn’t sure what to do with myself as I waited; I taped some gauze to my arm and attempted to clean the mess in the kitchen. I felt Miss Kitty nudge against my leg. I was sure she was trying to comfort me. I sat down on a chair and she jumped into my lap. Then I cried, I felt so lost – I needed to be out there looking for Willow. How long had I just been sitting there? Could they have got far? Would they hurt her?

My trail of thought was broken by the knock on the open door; I turned to see Buffy gazing wide eyed at the kitchen and me, crying my eyes out. She knelt next to me and put her arms around my shoulders. “I’m sorry Tara, I tried to get here as quick as I could.” I sobbed a little more. Then I flinched as she brushed her hand over my arm.

“Oh God! You need to get that looked at, it’s seeping through.”

I shook my head. “I need to find Willow first; it’s just a few scratches.”

Buffy raised my chin with her and brushed away some of my tears. “First things first.” She looked down at Kitty on my lap. “We need to get you two out of here in case they come back.”

I carried Miss Kitty in my arms and we got in the car. I remembered smiling through cloudy eyes. Even though Buffy had finally passed her driving test, I was probably the worlds second worst passenger – For all intensive purposes that crown belonged to Xander; after all…it is his car!

We arrived at the Summers house and I was greeted by Dawn and Xander, both pulling me into a bear hug, Kitty jumped down from my arms and yawned, totally unimpressed with the attention. Then she curled up in a cubby hole behind TV like she used to when she was little.

“Oh My God, what happened to you?” Dawn held my arm up

Buffy nodded to the couch and I sat. “Looks like its story time.”

I sighed and slouched back – Dawn came in with some bandages and began to clean my arm up. “Yesterday I spotted something in the garden. I c-couldn’t make it out. It looked pretty much like a big green lizard. I got a little closer to it and it bolted over the fence.”

Dawn had finished wrapping my arm up and Xander sat next to me on the couch. “So you got oogly booglies living down in the old back yard eh? Well it beats the dead snake I found at the end of ours when I was four.” He drifted back into his childhood. “I poked it with a stick and Dad slapped me round the back of the legs for being a torment.” His face shifted back to reality and he subconsciously began to rub the back of his thigh as if the pain was only from minutes before. “But I severely digress here…please continue.”

“Willow had gone to the Magic Box and had felt something watching her. We finally decided at about lunch time we were being paranoid and went to the park for lunch. We didn’t notice anything unusual. It started to rain so we made our way back to the apartment.”

Dawn frowned. “But…it didn’t rain today; I was out shopping with Janice, not a drop.”

Xander looked at me. “I was on the construction site, don’t remember rain.”

I nodded. “We realised the storm was only surrounding the area we were in.”

“Wait!! Storm now?” Buffy’s eyes were wide open. “As in extreme weather condition that is very difficult NOT to notice?”

I nodded again. “We were under a tree and saw the lightning so we decided to make a run back. We headed backing the direction of town but found ourselves back in the Park.”

Xander scratched his head. “You and Willow got lost on your way back from the park, one of your favorite places in the whole world? And yet, might I add still to this day Willow still refuses to tell me why?”

I sighed. “No, we just ended up where we started, like someone had shifted the ground from under us and set us back. And so she shouldn’t…there are some things that should remain personal.” I grinned and Xander got that look of boyish intelligence and understanding. “When we finally got to town we took some alleys to cut back into town, then we met the Lizard men.”

“What did they look like?” Buffy enquired.

I shrugged. “Overgrown Lizard man things. I’ve never seen anything like them before.”

“Okay, so Lizard dudes in the backyard, personal thunderstorms and an ambush in a dank and dirty alleyway and you didn’t call me until now?”

I lowered my head feeling rather stupid. After all, if we had called earlier maybe Willow would still be here? “I thought we were just overreacting at first, but after the lizards in the alley...” I paused, trying to stop the tears. “Willow was going to call you this evening.”

Dawn sat cross legged on the floor in front of me. “How did you manage to get away from the lizards in the alley?”

“We ran into the Magic Box, we told Anya what had happened – but she was busy with customers and just shrugged. She told us that we were pretty girls, Together - pretty girls and sometimes demons like to chase pretty girls…We just thought she was trying to be awkward so we left before Willow had a clear shot to swing at her.”

Buffy went into the hall and grabbed her jacket. “Okay, I’m going to take a look around for Willow and these lizard dudes. Dawn, you’re in charge, get Tara some painkillers and Xander guarding the house – There’s plenty of weapons in the chest.”
She opened the front door.

I stood immediately. “W-wait…I should go come with you…She’s out there…I c-can’t just sit here and wait, I should be out there helping you.”

Buffy put a hand on her hip. “Not in that state, you could get yourself killed.” She walker back over to me, placing her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. “I’ll be back soon, I promise.” I nodded and she left.

Xander tried to cheer me up. “You know Willow, she’ll be kicking shins and calling them rude names right now – they’ll be letting her go in no time, she’s a real bruiser.”

I wanted to smile; I could imagine Willow dishing out the abuse. But I wanted to get out of the house and start searching. Dawn made some tea to calm my nerves and started going through the books she had in the house. Not being allowed to go on patrol had turned Dawn into quite the intrepid researcher.

“Did it look like this?” She held up one book and I frowned.

I shook my head.

Xander got up and dialled a number into the phone. Then he started talking in a low voice. Dawn and I looked at each other. We just about caught his whispering.

“I just thought maybe you might be able to help….No this isn’t a trade off…I’m not offering anything in return.” He hung his head and we both looked at him with questioning eyes. “NO…hot sweaty sex isn’t an option! I would have thought them being your friends would be incentive enough?!” We both looked at each other and grinned. We both mouthed ‘Anya’ “Okay, I’ll put you on speakerphone.”

Dawn was first to speak. “Hey Anya.”

“Hey yourself jailbird…how are those sticky fingers of yours?”

“Ahn, play nice now.” Xander warned

“Okay, look…I haven’t heard much, the other demons don’t really like talking to me anymore – See what hanging round with a bunch of demon hunters does for your reputation?! I’m totally a social demonic recluse now…and without the medical benefit package too!”

“Anya!” Xander shouted.

“Okay! Just saying…Geez Louise, I would have thought honesty was something highly celebrated by humanity due to its gradual disappearance in human society.”

With one last ditch effort Xander coughed to get her attention.

“Right, big nasty evil looking to take over Sunnydale, then America then well…you get it …blah blah. The Lizard men sound like the Lithcos – they’re a band of savages – not great thinkers. I’d imagine they’re working with the evil. It’s a good job too, otherwise they wouldn’t have thought twice about ripping your throats out if they were acting on their own. They like to make a mess, eating entrails…using bones as tooth picks…They were great when I used to entertain my guests, they had this wonderful party piece with human hearts…”

“Okay Anya, thanks for the info.” Xander jumped in, he saw my face fall.

With that Buffy came storming back through the door. My eyes watched closely behind her and waited for Willow, but she wasn’t there.

She headed for the weapons chest and pulled out a massive broadsword, twirled it round and jabbed into the air. Giving a satisfied nod she turned to us.

“Guess who I just bumped into?” Everyone was silent.

She sighed. “Pale, doesn’t usually take long breaths, English, pain in my ass – Billy Idol wannabe?”

Xander spoke first. “Captain Peroxide.”

Buffy nodded. “He was real chatty whilst trying to kick my ass, boasting that he had something I might want…Willow.”

I went to the weapons chest and took out a crossbow. Then headed for the door. Buffy blocked my exit. “Whoah there witchy foo – where you going?”

“To kill Spike.”

“OOOOooh no you don’t, you already got hurt once tonight, Willow’ll kill me if I let you get hurt some more.”

I looked at her. “Okay I’m borrowing her resolve face on this one, and maybe I don’t wear it half as convincingly but I’m coming…I still have a few ‘tricks’ up my sleeve.”

Everyone had forgotten that Anya was still on the speakerphone. “As long as there aren’t any bunnies up there because that’s just too cruel for even Spike...evil..evil..evil.”

I stood poised at the door with cross bow in hand, glaring.

“Right then, I never argue with resolve face – but stick close okay?”

I nodded.

After an hour hunting around the all the cemeteries we could think to check we were still having no luck finding anyone or anything. We were just about to leave for home. ‘CLICK’ The familiar noise of a zippo lighter to the left of us.

“You can come out of the bushes now Slayer.”

Spike was sitting on a headstone, taking a long drag of his cigarette and looking pretty smug with himself. Buffy stepped out first, but motioned for me to stay hidden.

“Thought you might try to follow me to get your precious Red back, but no such luck pet – she’s tucked away somewhere disgustingly dark and dank.”

Buffy edged the sword forward in a threatening motion. From my hiding place I began to aim at him with the crossbow, right for the leg – not to kill him, just hurt him like hell.

“You can come join us too witch, know you’re there…and if you fire that at me you’ll never find her.”

I walked out of the bushes still with the crossbow aimed. He threw his cigarette to the floor and laughed.

“Here comes Blondie Bear to the rescue!” He snorted. “Did I tell you that your bit of skirt is just adorable when she’s terrified? All wimpery and teary eyed.”

Buffy growled. “I’m really going to enjoy watching you scatter all over the graveyard.”

Spike shifted and got up off the headstone. “Yeah right, look at you all Miss Mighty Mouse; puff that chest out a bit more cos I’m enjoying the view.”

We both rolled our eyes.

“You’re n-not only evil, but you’re a p-pervert.”

He turned to me and grinned. “And proud of it – comes with bein’ bad.”

He sniffed the air. “Did you know Red wears the smell of you all over her…it’s like perfume…very….mmm…uplifting, if you know what I mean?...It was a real struggle for me to keep my hands off her…My juices would really be flowing if I was alive.” He grabbed himself suggestively and smirked.

I fired a shot into his shoulder and reloaded. “I’m going to make you suffer.”

Buffy grabbed my arm. “Wait – you kill him, we won’t find her alive, even if he is a sick, twisted…nothing.”

Spike grabbed his shoulder and winced as he pulled the bolt out. “Whoah there! You call me sick, you should talk to your broody pop idol looking ex undead boyfriend, love – He was the definitive guide of ‘sick’ way back in the day. The things he used to do to get his jollys on with terrified but far more beautiful young maids, and then he’d make then scream his name…I remember it now…dirty scoundrel.”

He shot a look behind us. “Well, I’d love to stay and chat some more but I’ve got dinner plans. Ta ta.” He leapt over the headstone and ran off into the darkness. The first of the lizard men behind us began to hiss.

I turned, my back to Buffy’s. We were totally surrounded.

Then they began to charge…

The Couch

2003-07-15T20:33:15Z

SC

I decided the couch...very comfy. It’s so wonderful we were all there – sitting around the living room, together once more. I know there are still so many things we need to work out, to talk about – to do but, tonight we sat bathing in each others company, just like we used to. Everything else can wait until tomorrow…maybe even the day after…

Seeing Buffy and Faith arriving home together was just a beautiful thing. Though I’m sure Faith wouldn’t admit it and even in her tizzy about having to go rescue Spike I could see the light in her eyes, Buffy was home – we all were, and the world was a better place again (Well – for tonight at least!) Drusilla has gone, for the time being at least, still – not without leaving her mark on Faith, but time heals all.

Xander made jokes about all his ‘girls’, with Anya just itching to make comments but surprisingly she didn’t, she just smiled at us all - enjoying the warmth. Dawn was smiling and giggling again just like a young girl should. Willow was beginning to relax and giggle a little, finding peace that everything has started coming together again.

I know I’ll sleep peacefully now, safe in the knowledge that my family is back together again. All I want to do is stay in this wonderful snap shot of our lives, it’s selfish I know…but hey, give a shy country girl a break!

It will never be easy, fighting against all the evils of the world but I know there’s no where else I would rather be, well – okay the only exception being held gently by Willow while I sleep. But who could blame me? I guess I just want it all.

What to do?

2003-07-09T22:16:29Z

EM

The weather had been far too nice to stay in the apartment (not that it isn’t always – being California of course). Willow was watching cartoons, which she sometimes does when she’s either upset or sulking. It had become obvious she was doing the latter – she knew it was the beginning of a beautiful day but we had both agreed that until we had found out a little more about our ‘stalkers’ we would be a little more cautious about going out and about. Not to mention the cereal incident….no...I said I wasn’t going to mention it. Okay?

“What’s this?” I asked as I passed a glass of juice and sat down next to her on the couch.

“Tom and Jerry.” She was sitting there, her legs gathered up under her in the seat – in her pink fuzzy Pjs with her fluffy tiger slippers. Holding her pillow closely to her chest and with an adorable case of ‘bed hair’. She took a sip of her juice and looked at me. “I just like how Tom’s all sneaky but incredibly stupid and Jerry totally out thinks him every time.”

I smiled. “You want something to eat?”

She shrugged. “No, I’m okay” She bit her lip, offering me a guilty look. “Why are you being so nice to me….I was being a big old spaz this morning, all with the throwing around of the cereal…”

I shrugged back...trying to hide the smirk of amusement as I remembered the scene. “I’m being tolerant I guess…besides I can use it as some serious leverage the next time I see something to buy for the apartment you don’t like.” I flashed a grin and she smiled back at me.

“I think we should just get out…take in some fresh air..food…a stroll?” Her eyes were begging. Her eyes rolled up to the ceiling. “Hmm out door smoochies….” She trailed off, eye brows waggling.

I nodded, being stuck inside was doing neither of us any good, after all it had been a day and we’d seen no sign of anything unusual. Getting her to go change was a total battle of good against evil.

Our journey to the park was far more relaxed and after a few cautious stops we almost completely forgot about the excitement of previous days. We found a place under a large old oak tree and ate our lunch, unwinding and making jokes, which ventured into some fairly rude ones about Xander’s new ‘deluxe’ tool belt. We fought with limp sticks of celery, more jokes ensuing and settled back enjoying the peace and serenity.

I didn’t even notice the heavy storm clouds rolling in. A little drop of rain gracefully dropped on to my ankle and I looked up. We huddled up a little closer and the rain started to fall.

“Shoot!” Willow declared and curled herself around my arm just a little tighter. “Guess we’re stuck here then…Alone…Together…it’s awful.” I bit the inside of my cheek and tried not to laugh as she sighed. “Did I mention…Alone?”
“You’re right it’s terrible. Whatever shall we do to pass the time?” Willow didn’t even look in my direction but the smirk was already there.

“We could play I spy?” I helpfully suggested with a little movement of the shoulders.

She scowled and tilted her head. “I spy with my little eye…something beginning with…Y.T.S.W.M.”

My eyes went comically wide. “Whoa there, not a rocket scientist.” I commented pointing firmly to my brain. “Hmm…but I’ll play…mmm…Young. Trees. Saturated. With. Moisture?”

Willow grinned. “I’m impressed with your non rocket scientist brain…though you’re not right...”

“Oh really? I was sure I was close…hmm; I’ve overexerted my poor thinking cap with that bold manoeuvre though. So I’m going to have to give up.”

Willow jumped about with excitement and then leaned against the trunk of the tree. “You wanna know?”

I nodded.

“Yummy. Tara. Stranded. With. Me. So I propose that I’m sooo the winner and therefore – enough with the silly time occupying child games...” She leaned forward lowering her voice to more of a growl as she whispered in my ear. “And lets’ find something just a little more adult to be doing.” Without hesitation she began to trail little warm kisses across my neck.

I forgot about the rain, I forgot about the people dashing around trying to find shelter. I completely forgot about the excitement with our stalkers and quite frankly they could jump out of the bushes right now and I wouldn’t care. I was lost in my own personal Willow world. I no longer felt the chill that had accompanied the change in weather.

A flash of lightning followed immediately by a loud roar of thunder brought my attention back to the real world. Both Willow and I raised our heads to the sky, high above us lightning was dancing between the clouds. We stood.

“Conspiracy of interruptions...” Willow mumbled. “Even the damn weather’s at it now!”

The thunder was so deep it rumbled beneath our feet. “Okay, okay..I was just making an observation. No need to get cranky!”

I took a big breath. “Well isn’t this a funky storm?” I looked over and pointed vaguely back in the direction of the center of town. “And it seems to be our own private anomaly.” The sky was brilliant and sunny.

“Well it’s probably best to get out from under this tree then.” Willow suggested, with her eye still on the dancing lightning. We grabbed our things together and made a run out of the park and back into town. We were beginning to get drenched as the rain got impossibly heavier, our hair and clothes clinging to us. We walked around the corner and on to Main Street.

But it wasn’t here…

We were back facing the Park?!

“Did we just make ANY about turns?” Willow whispered

I just shook my head – somebody didn’t want us getting very far. We both turned back the other way and took a right down an alley opposite. And ended up by the Sun Cinema. I turned my head to look behind us. Something moved…It was the very same green flash I had seen in the gardens. There were almost certainly more this time. The ‘Lizard men’ scrambled from their hiding places. Each one, its beady black eyes following us as we carefully and respectfully backed away. Their tongues darted out testing the air.

I placed my body protectively between Willow and our new friends. “When I say…I want you to run...”

Willow shook her head. “Whatever the plan, we do it together…I’m not leaving your side.”

I squeezed her hand tightly and nodded. One of the lizards sniffed the air then looked directly at us. Willow swept her free hand from right to left pulling the dumpster from its resting place and colliding with the nearest creature, throwing it’s now limp form to the ground. The rest looked up and hissed.

“Okay, NOW we run!” I said as we hastily backed down the alley and out into the open, coming to a stop in front of the jewellery store. People passed us by with bewildered looks; we were soaked to the bone and gasping for oxygen. I turned my head back to the alley. There was nothing there. We made our way to the nearest safe haven. The Magic Box.

Down to the earth

2003-07-07T00:19:15Z

SC

I took a deep breath.

Earlier I was safe in the knowledge that the world was beginning to turn once more – but now I’m not so sure. I mean it is wonderful; Buffy is up and about with Faith getting back into just being. We’re all slowly coming back down from the events of the last few weeks and I thought maybe we would get a break.

But Spike is missing. In all the excitement going on here, honestly I’d forgotten about him. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe, I’m not sure. I guess I’ve just been so wrapped up in looking after the ones I truly hold dear to me, my immediate ‘family’. Willow has needed convincing that she can hold her head up high and know that she did something in her heart she knew was right despite the consequences and lived to tell the tale. Dawn seems to be coping with things really well. She’s totally blossomed from the first time I met her, she’s doing everything she can to make Buffy feel like she’s home and safe – She reminds me so much of Mrs Summers.

With the breather I took the opportunity to start on my studies for the fall, reading up on my suggested study list. I think the eagerness to study had is finally rubbing of from Willow, not that it takes much rubbing to get my attention. But all in all I wasn’t really getting anywhere with the reading. I was pretty much distracted, knowing little about Spike’s disappearance. I was going to offer help with looking for him but Faith was set that he would be at the mansion. I can tell she’s not really to the brim with happiness with Buffy’s concern, Faith likes to think of herself as closed book, but to me she’s very much open. I know what it’s like to feel the loneliness and then be on the outskirts of something so big, so wonderful and heart stopping and think that it’s being snatched away from you. I withdrew my offer to come along – having the feeling that it was one of those things maybe I shouldn’t encroach on.

It was something they needed to work out themselves.

So I settled back down with my books in front of me – In honesty I was kidding myself I was going to read even one word and have it sink in. I usually had many distractions to contend with, if it wasn’t impending apocalypse doom, new demon menace, or injured scoobies it was fending off a particularly naughty redhead who just couldn’t keep her eyes on her own text book, but who am I to selfishly complain?

Willow breezed into our room, she looked a little concerned.

“Hey.” She said before she started going through the drawers on the dresser.

“Hey yourself.” I replied and I watched her for a moment or two. She was digging deeply into the draws now “Whatcha doing?”

She looked to me and smiled. “Locating demonic energy.”

I raised a brow. “What are you looking for?” She stopped realising I was watching her dig through the dresser and looked at me with a frown. “The crystals, I think I put them in here, I moved a lot of stuff. I was leaving stuff lying about and I didn’t want Dawnie finding stuff.” She shrugged “In case you know, something happened to her. What kind of responsible parent type person would I have been if I just left things about like that?” She smiled “Ahh got it.”

She sat down on the bed next to me checking all the crystals and mixtures in her hands. “You want some help with that?” I asked.

“Always.” She grinned. With that she dropped down to the floor and started setting up a square on the floor and placed a map in the middle.

I helped mix the powders. “You think this will help find Spike?” I waited for her answer.

She nodded. “I’ve changed just a few things, It should show Spike if he’s still in Sunnydale..a lovely pink color.”

I wrinkled my nose up. “Maybe we shouldn’t tell him we used a spell that helped us find him as a pink blob?” Then I laughed.

She nodded. “I can see him scowling now.”

We offered our praise to Thespia and poured the ingredients over the map. The mist gently swirled, lights appeared scattered across the map. But nothing seemed apparent for Spike. Willow frowned and we looked again. Then I saw it. “There.” I pointed to a faint light, looking closer to the map, the light getting fainter, but it wasn’t the only light there.

Willow leapt up and grabbed the phone on the nightstand. “I’m going to call Giles.”

I took a deep breath.

Heart to heart

2003-07-02T23:37:14Z

Willow and I had spent most of the morning trying to register for all our fall classes and were both particularly pleased to be back ‘home.’

“It was victimization I tell you, he was sooo blatantly ignoring me there, waving my forms about.” Willow huffed as she stepped through the front door.

I shook my head and laughed. “Though the little dance you did certainly got my attention.”

Willow threw herself into a chair and sighed, her arms crossed and her bottom lip all pouty. “But then he was like ‘Oh Miss – you need to fill in this part and sign that part and you forgot to cross the I and dot the T’ I was seriously considering turning him into a slug.” I raised my brow. “Oh come on it was pretty tempting.” Willow smiled a little.

Placing my jacket over the banister and the hall way I giggled to myself. “It was just…absurd, I mean you got two forms so you could use on as practice first.”

Willow’s face darkened, before a smile started at the corners of my mouth. “You’re so wicked! I was just being all gallant and…”

“Picking up a form for me..I know.” I grinned.

She shifted in the chair and rested her head back on the pillow; I sat down on the sofa. She closed her eyes. “I just don’t like this feeling, like I’m not capable.”

I tilted my head, beginning to believe that this was becoming bigger than just registration. “What do you mean?”

She looked around to see if anyone else was about before she continued. “Giles called me an amateur, he was really mad Tare – In fact it wouldn’t surprise me if he called up the Registrar’s Office and told them to make it impossible for me to sign up – I can totally see it, In his best tweed suit – furiously cleaning his glasses in glee with the ‘oh quite’ and the ‘Dear lord, she’s a danger to all – you’ll have to chop off her head you know, It’s the only way to kill such a creature – yes that’s a capital plan!, what oh and pip pip..’ Can you see it? ..Cos I totally can.” She opened her eyes and started fidgeting about in her seat waving her hands.

Clearing my throat I interrupted her flow. “We’ve gently moved on here from overly helpful Co Ed Dave haven’t we?”

She nodded so gently I almost missed it. “He totally raised his voice at me.”

I knew why she was so upset, I had the feeling she looked up to Mr Giles, they both shared many of the same qualities, the thoughtful and considerate nature – the strength and knowledge. Until recently they had both been the people who wouldn’t jump into a situation without a real understanding, but things have changed. Willow wants to get to the heart of the problems with little or no insight – she no longer wants to stand about waiting for someone to find the courage to do something. She was trying to fill the void that Buffy had left.

“He was hurting Will, how do you think he would have felt if the ritual had gone wrong and he’d lost you too? He might have been angry with you on the outside but inside he was scared – just like me.” I didn’t know if she was going to listen to me but I had to at least try.

Willow wrinkled up her nose. “But he wouldn’t have, you wouldn’t have..I knew what I was doing. I was in control.”

I stood from the sofa in front of her. “Snakes? Creepy crawlies? Your skin being sliced open in front of us? – were you in control of all that was well? because the last time I checked it pretty much looked like they had ownership of you.”

“No really, no…I was in control – it was part of the ritual.” She slumped, slightly hurt that I was bringing it up.

“It’s just…Rituals are extremely sensitive, and bringing back the dead – not widely known to be successful, any kind of alteration or interference could have been disastrous...I m-mean it could have shifted the control and you could have been hurt.”

She stood and paced a little, I really didn’t want this discussion again but I couldn’t seem to avoid it. Mr Giles had reacted exactly as I had – but I wasn’t going to allow her to wallow in self pity, it was done, Mr Giles reacted the way parental figure would have, Buffy was home and we had to be focused on helping her re-adjust. But there was something nagging at the back of my head, this voice I had tried so hard to ignore. I didn’t know where to go from here. How could I possibly know everything would be alright?

She stopped and kneeled in front of me, placing her hands gently on my knees. She looked me deeply in the eyes. “I couldn’t just leave her there; we had no idea what she could have been going through. She could have needed me. So I did what I had to do, and yet I feel so bad.”

“You thought it would fix everything, everyone one would be happy – but it’s not.”

“No, she’s…different….like she doesn’t need us..she doesn’t need me…”

“But I need you – I always try to be strong, the one who can put things into some kind of perspective. But you know what? I can’t. I need you to help me believe that despite what’s going on around all of us right now – there will be a bright shiny future. I don’t know what’s next. You wanted to bring her back and make everything okay and it isn’t. I won’t lie to you and say in a few weeks she will re-adjust. The only thing I’m truly certain of is that we have to take this a step at a time and help bring things back down.” I felt better for just laying it all down on the table.

Willow waited a long time before she said anything in response. “I’ve not been helping much have I? I tried a faint smile and shook my head.

“I’m just worried that she’ll hate me.” With that she dropped her eyes to the floor.

I lifted her face to look at me. “Never gonna happen.”